I am Not a Rock Star!

A fellow blogster - Tracy of "My Thoughtful Spot" brought up a really good topic which deserves a shout out followed by my own rant.  That topic is ...  my intense dislike of shopping. 

I can imagine the thoughts you may be having right this moment --
Shut up!  You hate shopping? But what do you do on vacations?  How do you spend your time on weekends?  How in the world do you ever enjoy Christmas?  What in the world do you wear? Rags?  What do you eat?  Roadkill? Are you really a woman?

Yes, I definitely hate shopping. I actually relax on vacations and weekends spending money on gas and needless items that would clutter up my home.   I buy whole wardrobes at one time so I can do all the shopping at once, and when I find a brand of slacks that fits, I buy in bulk.   If I can afford Christmas presents, I shop on the Internet.    I shop for food but usually go when the clerks are the only people in the store besides the shelf stockers.  Yes, I am a woman - and just like Oprah - I am not even a litttle bit gay!

Tracy - I thought I was the only woman in the entire world who detested shopping.  Thank you.  This is sort of like when I found out there were actually other women in the world who did not have a biological clock that was ticking - that there were other women who felt no urge to procreate or breast feed.  You have validated my non-shopping genetic disposition.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I have never liked to shop, and that feeling has only intensified over the years.  I have an aversion to crowds, which makes me wonder why I ever used to dream of being a famous musician.  I would have ended up killing the very fans I yearned for when they rushed the stage.  (Well, not the cute guys)  Of course, maybe that's why my dream was to be a famous jazz saxophone player - the venues where most jazz groups play are usually much smaller - unless you get to the David Sanborn or Kenny G level.

This aversion to crowds impacts my teaching as well. When kids rush me - which usually happens when I am handing out candy or sodas OR when grades come out and they are missing work, I get pretty claustrophobic. 

Students (as they are rushing forward at top speed): 
Ms. Mort - I turned that in!  Rembrandt over here saw me do it!  or I was absent when you did that! 
Mrs. Mort: 
Get away from me! (chair in hand fending off the masses)   I am not a rock star.  Go sit down.  I will talk with each of you seperately!  Go on-  get to your seat!  Back Off!

My seventh graders are always a little mystified by my reaction, but since I am cool most of the time, they forgive this one idiosyncracy, albeit begrudgingly.  The ones who are far away turn around and trudge back to their seats while the closer ones give me their cutest smile and once more try to engage me in conversation.

Student: 
Mrs. Mort - just one quick question - I turned this in or Mrs. Mort!  Rip Van Winkle saw me turn this in after his nap!  or Please, Mrs. Mort, just look at mine - it'll just take a sec!

Mrs. Mort (again with chair in hand): 
I said get away!  Back off!  Don't make me call security.  I am not Lindsey Lohan!

Students in seventh grade often struggle to realize they are not the center of the universe.  They will eventually listen to me if I repeat something often enough.  The remainder of the mob  adoring fans return to their seats and thrust their hands to the sky and shout out my name doing their best Horshack impersonations.  (See past episodes of the sit com Welcome Back, Kotter)  I have learned from experiences like this to preface the Passing Out of Grades with the following speech:

I am going to give you your current grade.  Please hold all questions.  Do NOT, for any reason get out of your seat.  I will not answer any questions until I am ready.  When I do answer questions, I will call on you to come up one at a time. 

That being said, I still get rushed but on a more managable level.  I guess I should repeat my speech several times before I hand out the grades.

I am not sure when this aversion to crowds began, maybe when I waited tables.  "Rushes" scared me because everyone wanted something all at once.  When I shop, I get really frustrated by people who hog the aisle or congregate there.  It really hasn't mattered the geographic location of the store - it seems that people congregate in grocery store aisles in all parts of the country.  Now I understand why Walmart's recent ad campaign emphasized wider aisles.  The only problem is that now more people cluster together.  It looks like a mini riot minus punches being thrown (customers save that for Christmas). 

Now that I live in a small town, I realize shopping is often a social outlet.  We have only one Walmart and one Kroger's in our small town.  Surrounding towns don't even have that, so Mt. Sterling is often the destination for towns east of Lexingtonand/Winchester.   So when people shop, they often see family, friends, and acquaintaces buying the week's produce or meat.  This prompts a one hour mmeting of the minds in front of the hamburger.  When the friends realize they are blocking the aisle, many look at you as if you have committed the most egregious faux pas when you try to grab a pound of beef.  Sometimes whole families have met in front of the tampons.  Tampons are embarassing enough to buy without having to wade through a half dozen men to do so.  Yep - she's on her period - Don't piss her off; she just might go postal on 'ya.

Now, when I go shopping, I prepare myself know full well I will undoubtedly uncounter a group of my students since this is the only Walmart near their county, and when I do, will undoubtedly rush me if I have candy in the cart.  Needless to say, I NEVER go shopping right after I have handed out grades!

Objects in the Mirror are Closer than They Appear

Once in a while, I think that mankind is evolving, that it’s more cerebral than its animalistic predecessors were. And then . . . I have to break up a fight between two middle school students, and I am forced rethink my position once again and ultimately accept the fact that the human race has not fully emerged from the dark ages. We may have moved into that time just after the sun peaks over the horizon, but not much further..


Bullies are not always easy to spot. You might think they all have to shop from the Eddie Bauer's Big and Tall catalog, but you would be sadly mistaken. Bullies come in all shapes, sizes; they are both male and female. The bully is an odd species to me, one that camouflages its true intentions in Eddie Haskell mannerisms and seems utterly shocked when caught tormenting some unfortunate.

In fact, in my teaching career, it seems to me that most bullies are not that big or that tall. The bully seems to come in a more compact form and stands ready to battle at the slightest provocation. One accidental bump in the hallway and said bully becomes the Tasmanian Devil. Just seconds ago a jovial, good natured creature, the bully quickly loses all sense of reality and sees only the face of his offender with a miniature fistprint planted on his cheek as penance for the unintentional transgression. This phenomenon is called “Short Man’s Syndrome” in teaching circles. Teachers learn size doesn't always factor in when it comes to bullies.

I see this same behavior in my cats: Elvis, my six pound runt thinks nothing of tearing after my fourteen pound gentle giant. Goldie’s eyes always have that “What just happened?” look as he zooms past me and races for the door - sometimes so quickly that he forgets to see if the door is open and knocks himself out. This always disappoints Elvis as he is all fired up. Inevitably, Elvis rids himself of his adrenalin by stampeding up and down the hallway several times, and then walking around like he is Popeye, the Sailor Man.

I have seen similar scenarios played out when those tiny obnoxious Chihuahuas who think they own everything that they see will chase you down the street when you are only trying to burn off a few calories on a relaxing walk. How utterly humiliating it is it must beto have to run as fast as you can to escape a yapping two pound dog.

You would think humans, having the larger brain and the ability to reason, should be able to suppress the urge to pummel one another, right? Unfortunately, the answer to that is – Uhhhh…no.

Case in point, played out so many times in so many schools in so many places. The brilliant young man  or woman certain to succeed in any profession is ridiculed for his or her intelligence by the the immature, less intelligent person. Said immature, less intelligent person, due to personal insecurities and fewer brain cells, hurls a volley of insults about the “nerd’s” looks, lack of coordination, family ancestry – it doesn’t really matter the insult as the intent is always the same – make the other person feel less important and less worthwhile. For years the Brain, due to a peaceful nature, tries to ignore it or let it go. This, unfortunately, is as good as giving the bully the go ahead. “Hmmm…won’t resist? OK –when I feel bad about myself or want to look tough in front of others, I will pick on the passive smart guy because most of my peers resent his intelligence anyway.”

Occasionally the ones being bullied fight back, and I must admit that I am not really sorry to see bullies get their comeuppance. Immediately, this makes me painfully aware that I am not far removed from the caveman myself. But after seeing the same bully target many people, I tire of seeing a few rotten apples make other students’ lives miserable. While I would rather not have students fight at all, sometimes bullies only seem to understand good old-fashioned butt whippin'.

I wonder if our countries work on this same principle. Did you ever notice that some of the smallest countries cause the most problems for the world? Look at Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, North Korea… All these countries pick, pick, pick, pick, pick -- until someone says “Hey, that’s enough. I have tried talking with you, ignoring you, avoiding you, not playing with you, and yet you still insist upon being a bully. Therefore, it’s time to fight back.” Hence the military presence big countries often exercise on smaller ones.

Invariably, the bully – be it a person or a country, uses baser instincts – and they prepare for battle. Humans taunt verbally then put up their dukes, countries attempt diplomatic relations then threaten nuclear holocaust.  The neanderthal seems to be closer than it appears when looking at it in the mirror.  I hope we get smarter or we can run faster.

No Hi Def for Me!

My trip home was amazing. Every member of my family was a joy to spend time with. While I could see where being closer would NOT be a good thing, this visit definitely was. I can sort of equate a visit like this to the difference between regular TV and Hi Def. You know how all the actors and actresses don't look quite as pretty on Hi Def because every facial flaw is obvious? That's the way I feel about being too close to family. Seeing them once in a while is phenomenal, but no need to put a microscope on our differences as they would overshadow the genuine Christmas spirit we all felt this holiday. I love them with all of my heart, and they me. No need to look at each wrinkle too closely.

I know that and am ever grateful to my brother for funding this trip. It simply would not have been possible had he not paid for it and let me stay at his house. It was initially really hard to humble myself and let him do this, but as my very best friend Jules pointed out, sometimes it is right to accept someone else's generosity. Don't rob them of their opportunity to feel good about helping out. So I gratefully accepted his generosity and have no words to tell him what an amazingly wonderful thing he did for me.


Mom



As a result, I was able to see my mom again who is in a rest home in Bremerton, Washington. She has multiple sclerosis and has been in the rest home for over 35 years. She is their longest living resident. When she found out she had MS, she had experimental brain surgery at the University of Washington to eliminate the tremors. I don't know how much she understands. She can't speak much anymore, but I feel like there is a lot more she understands that other in my family believe. I have been calling her and writing her on and off throughout the years, so seeing her in person after ten years was a really big deal to me.



Brother, Niece, and Mom



Mom, Niece, and Me



Her gift to me? She kissed me back. My brother was shocked as he didn't think she could do that. I believe that the contact I maintain with her has made a huge difference.  I plan to continue to do this, and I hope to go back to see her sooner this time.

I also got to see my grandmother who is now 93 or 94 years old. She lives with my aunt and uncle. She is an amazing matriarch whose signature saying while I grew up was "As long as you're happy." I think she is less accommodating with family members who do stupid things today, and I love that about her now. She calls it the way she sees it, but she loves each family member unconditionally. And trust me, some of us have made that a real challenge!



My youngest uncle and his friend; my grandma; my aunt

As an added bonus, I got to see my youngest uncle. He almost died of Hodgkin's disease last year. They were about to pull the plug, but God said not so fast. He is the family miracle, and I am so delighted. I used to follow him around as a kid. I started playing clarinet because he played it. He was only a few years older than me, so he was really like a big brother when I was growing up.

I got to see my dad who looks great. He is the same old dad, and he hasn't changed a bit. Because I have changed so much over the years, I have learned to accept him and admire him for all he has taught me. I can't imagine having raised two kids alone at such a young age and having a successful career (or several careers - he is one adventurous guy). He stepped up when many fathers would have left the scene after Mom got sick. I will always be grateful.



Dad

I also got to see Roxanne, one of my dad's former girlfriends, a sweet, caring individual who has raised a number of long term foster children. Her endlessly giving spirit was one of the reasons my brother sees her as a strong mother figure in his life, and I do believe who constant faith in him, that he would overcome his struggles was a big reason why he is doing well today. We spent one evening reminiscing about the restaurant she used to own and where I first worked as a waitress in a very ghetto section of Seattle called Ranier Valley. That restaurant deserves its own set of posts.
Finally, my brother and my niece. This was the first time I had met my niece. She is six years old and looks just like I did at her age. My whole family swears by this. She was a lot of fun, and my brother and I had the best time together we have ever had. I guess we have finally grown up and learned to appreciate one another. It sure took us long enough.

The trip forced me to examine my own tendencies to be hypercritical of those around me instead of recognizing we are all human and, yes - we all have flaws. But to concentrate on those flaws is a disservice to each human being. Instead, I choose to focus on the wonderful qualities each person brings to the table, that makes them unique and special. I think that is how God views each one of us, and I want to act the same way. Life is so much more wonderful when I celebrate each person's special, unique gifts instead of focusing on what I perceive as their flaws. Goodness knows, if people focus on my negative qualities only, I would have no friends!

Christmas Carols 2010 Style

My friend Jules wrote on her blog about creating new words for Christmas carols that were more befitting for Arizona, due to its weather challenged location when it comes to snow, sleighs, etc..  Sounds like fun, so here are my efforts. 

(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Credit Cards


Crawling on I-10

In an overheated car

Looking for the mall

So many miles afar.

 

Find a parking spot

Out past the man-made snow

Now I have to walk four miles

before I spend my dough!

 

Oh credit cards, credit cards

Please let your limits hold

so I can buy ties for Dad

For Mom, a ring of gold.

Credit cards, credit cards,

Keep your magnetic grip

Slide through machines easily

So I can shorten this trip.

 

All my presents bought

Wrapped beneath the fake, pre-lit, manufactured, really, really expensive Lowe's bought tree,

The family screaming epithets

at bad calls  and referees

 

The presents have been opened

Wrapping paper strewn about

When that first bill comes in the mail

I hope I don't pass out --

 

OHHH credit cards, credit cards

Time to pay you back
Guess I'm back to rice and beans

To get my budget back on track

Credit cards, credit cards,

I'm done using you,  I swear

Oh wait a sec - look- on sale -

Christmas underwear!

Thank you, Jules, for being my muse for this piece.  I hope you like it!

No Greater Love


I have new family this year - the people of Bethesda Community Church, a small church  of about 60 people who have shown me so much love without any strings attached, who demonstrate agape love endlessly because God taught them to do so.  They are truly the arms and legs of Jesus and are teaching me how to love others and myself in the same way.  Thank you, Bethesda!

The only other person who has shown me that sort of love is my dear friend, Julie Harris - someone who loves me unconditionally, repeatedly, and unabashedly just because I am.  She, too, knows God's grace.  She, too, has shared all she has with me and has never kept score.  I am honored she is my friend and my family as well.

As I prepare to see my biological family in a few days, I pray these powerful lessons of love given to me by both Julie and by Bethesda are well learned.  I choose to share the same sort of kindness on my trip,  pay it forward when I go home for the first time in ten years.  Butterflies?  A few, but I have never felt so whole, so complete in my 43 years of existence.  I feel ready to visit once again.  Why, because of God's Grace.  How appropriate!

Do Things Always Happen in 3's?


The phrase "nothing happens by chance" is often overused, but when I see how many people in my life are currently living parallel existences, it gives that tired, old saying new life and leaves me marvelling at how God works.

Without going into too much detail, for they all have the right to deal with their challenges privately without others' judgement or intrusion, three significant people  in my life have recently admitted they are alcoholics. 

Wow. 

The amazing thing is they are from completely different walks of life, yet are all wonderful, interesting, lovely people.  They care about others to a fault at times, are constantly striving to be their best selves, and they would undoubtedly give the shirts off their backs if you needed them. 

I used to go to AA regularly.  I thought I did have a problem with alcohol, and while I drank very heavily back then, it was not to get drunk.  It was to meet men.  Granted, I did get drunk and suffered many consequences as a result, but there is no doubt in my mind today that my true addiction back then was men.  Alcohol was just a bonus crutch.

Bars were an easy place to find men who lacked morals, and I wasn't looking for anybody who would actually have values - I didn't know how to do that.  Besides, I wouldn't have known what to do with that kind of a guy anyway, and he would have undoubtedly been too "boring" for me. 

No, I was looking for love the way I had seen it modeled by my dad because, quite frankly, that is all I knew.  You see, after my mother and he split, he had a string of women he dated that was longer than a strand of Christmas lights.  As I grew older, I played "secretary" for him and kept the exremely clingy ones at bay while he pursued the others.  I had no earthly idea what real love was, what it looked like, what it sounded like.  I certainly didn't understand the definition of love that the Bible belts out in I Corinthians:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  In fact, I thought the saying went like this:  Love is not patient, love is not kind.  It does envy, it does boast, it is proud.  And the guys I always ended up with - whether it be for an hour, night, or week, obviously shared my paradigm.

The paradigm shift took place after a particularly rowdy night. I was laying by my "friend's" pool and realized, through my hangover, I could no longer do this - the drinking.  I was done with it. I went to the next AA meeting (coincidentally, my father was in AA at the time) with my dad.  I got a sponsor.  I started to clean up.  I didn't take another drink until I met my most current ex-husband (if that doesn't tell you I had a problem picking men!) almost seven years later . . . And I didn't miss the alcohol at all, but God, how I missed the men.  My sponsor demanded I didn't date for a year. 

Not drink?  No problem!  No men?  AAAAGGGGHHHHH!  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!  I dropped her, and found a more understanding sponsor an easier sponsor -- and continued to mess up my life with loser men.  When I stopped hanging out in bars, I found it more difficult to meet the men necessary to feed my addiction, so I stopped dating lots of men and began to focus on just one loser at a time. But now, maybe - just maybe I am beginning to understand why I had to find God through the doors of AA.

While in AA, I recognized that I wasn't the center of the universe, that there was a power greater than me, that I was powerless over at least one thing and maybe more, and that the principals of AA might just be a decent blueprint for my life.  And it has been.   That little blue book led me to a God I didn't know before, one who demonstrated the love I had been seeking, real "not gonna take it back when I'm bored/tired/angry/lustful" love.  The stuff the Bible talks about.  

I still wouldn't name my spirituality for years, preferring to act superior to all those unintelligent sheep who blindly followed religion.  I was a thinker, too smart to be led around by the nose.  No, I was spiritual, not religious, thank you very much. 

But as I helped one alcoholic try to sober up, I finally let go of all my arrogance and self-importance and realized that fixing him was beyond my control.  I was powerless over his addictions and I turned everything over to Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit.  God saw to it that I safely detached from that relationship and is allowing the both of us to work on ourselves separately.


When the second person came to me recently, I still tried to be the "fixer", but I caught on a little quicker and realized that I am, once again, powerless over that person's addiction.  Instead, I have turned it over to God and do so, sometimes minute-by-minute.

Now that a third important person in my life has come to me, I immediately have given it over to God, and I feel some peace, some serenity, for I know that I have no power unless it comes through Jesus Christ.  I will pray for all of these people, offer help wherever I can without enabling.  It is imperative that I step out of the way and let God take the wheel and drive.



Maybe all that time in AA was meant to help me better understand the wonderful people in my life who are struggling with their own personal demons.  Maybe the time in AA was meant to help me understand I am no better, no worse than anybody else when it comes to addictions.  Maybe my time in AA was meant to teach me we all have addictions to all sorts of things.  Maybe it's all of the above and so much more. AlaNon might have helped me in the same way, but I really don't think I would truly understand and relate to these three people in the way that I now can had I not been heavily involved in the actual AA program.  There is no them/us mentality for me now - only a we're all in this together mentality for me.

What I am constantly amazed by is how orchestrated these "chance" events seem to be.  I will keep letting God be my guide.  It is inherently clear to me He knows exactly what He is doing, and He doesn't need my help for one cotton-pickin' minute.  He might use me, but He will tell me the appointed time and place.  All I need to do is listen and show up.  Pray for all those who struggle to let go and let God.  It seems so easy, but I know how hard it can be.

Christmas 2010

Christmas Season Begins with a Snowstorm

I have presents!

An Authentic Christmas Scene!

Ice Storm 2010 - Much easier to cope with than 2009's

Flash Frozen Decorative Pear Tree

Cozy inside - Memories on the Mantle of Happier Days with the Ex-Husband

(I prefer to remember those times!)