Been in Hell, But Back Now

Well, after a month long hiatus, I am back.  Who know if this will become a regular part of my week again as school keeps me ridiculously busy, but I felt a huge need to purge my thoughts.  What better place to do this than on my semi-private blog.  I must admit, blogging is a great way to write obscurely but with the knowledge that at some point, someone may actually read what you post.  For insecure egoists like myself, this is the perfect publishing venue.

What has happened since I last wrote?  My husband and I have officially ended our relationship.  Ten weeks after not drinking and well into our reconciliation attempt, he decided to rent a hotel room in the next town from where his is currently staying with his brother, and he bought a bottle and drank.  He had planned this for an entire week.  He called me up at midnight one Friday, woke me, and he was clearly drunk.  I found it quite hard to believe that he did this.  He had just been telling his father that morning that he was so glad he had stopped drinking and that we were getting back together in November.  I am so glad I told him he had to remain sober for six months before I would reconcile.  He made it two and a half. 

On the ruse that he was giving his brother and sister-in-law "private" time, he chose to rent a hotel so he could drink without being stopped.  He called nobody to stop it from happening.  He didn't tip his cards until after he drank.  It really pisses me off that he chose the "Leaving Las Vegas" option over toughing it up and calling someone for help.  I hope that cowardice was worth the marriage for him.  I am not going to watch someone repeatedly tempt fate and see how many times they can get away with trying to die.  And I am certainly not going to risk my own life to help someone so bent on self-destruction.  I don't have that sort of power ;I give it to God.

When he called me at midnight, he denied being drunk, then acted like he couldn't hear me and hung up, and I remember lying in bed just praying that I would get clarification on this.  That voice that isn't really a voice said "Come on, Vickie.  You know he's been drinking.  It's ok.  Let me take it from here."  My husband called me three hours later to admit he was drinking.  I thanked him for telling me the truth, and shook my head, once again realizing that if you listen closely enough, God does indeed talk.  I spent the next day praying in a very silent house.  The relationship is done.  God needs to take care of him.  I can't.  I am only getting in the way of my husband's relationship with God, and I am his crutch.  Enough.

My husband seemed shocked by my next conversation with him.  "I am not angry. I wish you only the best.  If you still want to do Bible devotionals, I would like that, but I can't keep working on this marriage.  Your drinking is too much for me.  I don't want to watch you like a mother watches her child.  I will work with you to make this transition as smooth as possible." 

His response:  "Don't break up with me on the Lord's day"  Then a few days later, "Aren't you being kind of harsh?  I fell off the wagon once."

No.  I am not being harsh.  I am being real and honest.  I stayed in this marriage for six years, hoping against hope that you would sober up.  I tried everything I knew to help you.  I supported you.  I joined you.  I ignored you.  I yelled at you.  I comforted you.  I stuck by you when others said not to.  I endured you.  I was choked by your drunken ego.  I was cut down verbally by the drunk you for years.  I endured embarassing episodes in public on every vacation we went on, at every neighborhood get-together we were a part of, and many gatherings with friends.  But I forgave the drunk you when the real you returned. 

Unfortunately, the drunk you began showing up far more often than the real you.  I couldn't forget what happened each night before.  You couldn't remember.  The chasm is too deep to forgive yet again.  Now we would have to go another six months minimum apart before we could think about reconciling.  Better to let God help you and maybe this time, I will start listening to God about his plans for me. 

Shut Up and Trust God

Apparently, the message I am supposed to get through my thick skull this week is that I need to shut up and trust God.  But shutting up, I mean turn problems over to God, and leave the problems at his feet.  Let the rest go - anger, confusion, speculation (the dreaded "what if's"), and whatever else my mind wants to worry about.  If I just shut up and trust God, I won't have to worry - not about other people think; since I am right with God, that is all I should worry about.  The result?  Peace.

Even if he doesn't fix something immediately, then I need to persevere.  It may be that God is trying to work on that other person; therefore, you aren't going to factor in too much at that point.  The great news is you don't have to worry about trying to fix everything; instead you can simply enjoy the peace and serenity.

If you would have told me this a couple of years ago, I would have fought you tooth and nail.  and I find it extremely suprising that is have done such a reversal, but the only possible reason I can possible talking about this is that once I took Christ as my Lord and Savior, I started giving things over to God.  Surprisingly, everything from finances to emotional support has been provided.  I hope that I remember to let go and let God as often as possible, because every time I try to take my own destiny, the devil has a way of manipulating this, so now I try to shut and trust God!