The Voice of Reason

Isaiah 30:20-21
20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”


Well, when God wants me to hear His voice, He sends me signs, quiet clear words - often echoed by other people. Today was one of those amazing and powerful days when I realize how much God is speaking. I just need to listen.
I went to church, happy to be in a warm, safe place where I could experience fellowship and just praise God.  One of my Sunday school students ran out in ten degree weather to say hi in his new T-shirt, which he couldn't wait to show me.  We frequently discuss video games, one of his all time favorite topics, and he ran out there to show the phrase of the day so boldly printed in green -  "If I'm not sweating, then I haven't played video games enough!"  It was so nice to see his joy, his excitement, his happiness.

I went inside, said hi to several people, and went to sit down.  It wasn't long at all before the service started - I had gotten there late due to the weather.  I stood up to sing.

We have a wonderful band at our church that plays modern Christian music.  I always feel at peace as I enjoy the songs, a chance to praise god and to focus solely  Him, not on me.  I felt God's love as I gave all the stress of the last few days over to Him and thanked Him for all he has done for me.  I praised him for the neighbors who happened by me yesterday and helped me put on my donut tire after I had a flat.  I thanked Him for making sure I had enough money to have a new tire put on my car and for it happening on a Saturday instead of a school day.  I thanked God for the fact it happened when I was going 10 miles and hour and not 70.  I thanked Him for everything. 

A few songs later, a couple of lyrics hit me to the core and I began to cry.  When I was saved, the same thing happened, and sometimes the lyrics ring of such simple truth that I get emotional.  Anyway, one of the lyrics really pointed out how this world is not the way Jesus intended it to be, that we are supposed to be his hands and feet, show compassion.  I thought of my ex and our conversations the last few days, and my heart ached for him, that he seemed unable to come to terms with his need for alcohol. So when they asked people to come forward if they had special prayer requests, it made sense to go up to the altar.

I asked the pastor to pray for my ex, that he was struggling with his addiction, that he'd lost his job, that he was in the hospital, that he needed God's help.  This act may seem odd to some, but it helped me let go of any self-perceived control over the whole situation.  As my pastor and the congregation prayed for him, one of the elders, who would never speak up as he did today (this according to people who have gone to this church forever), said in a firm, caring voice that resonated through the entire room as I walked back up the aisle, "Realize there is nothing you can do for him.  When he is ready to let God help, God will be there, but there is nothing you can do for him right now." 

I walked to my seat, stunned, tears streaming down my face.  Back in March, April, and May of last year, those were virtually the same words I had heard over and over in my head as I had tried to grapple with the ex's drinking.  This is not your deal. This is not your deal.  I heard that same phrase from the time I asked Jesus to come into my heart to the day I prayed to him when the ex was choking me.  I heard it so often, it almost became my mantra.  The phrase gave me an objective perspective when he ranted and blamed me for his troubles.  And here it was again, the same phrase once again.

Jules told me the same thing the night before when she recommended I block his e-mails, I just read a fellow blogger's comment to my previous post, and she said the exact same thing. (Thanks, Cheryl)

 Wow!  I get it.  I get it and I let it all go to God.  If I truly have the faith I claim to have, how dare I question God's ability to take care of this man and his struggles.  How dare I interfere or enable.  I get it.

Time to move forward and listen to what God truly wants me to do to glorify His name. I will never stop praying for this man, but I think I am finally past my false belief that I have any power to help him.  I will leave that awesome task to God.

Been in Hell, But Back Now

Well, after a month long hiatus, I am back.  Who know if this will become a regular part of my week again as school keeps me ridiculously busy, but I felt a huge need to purge my thoughts.  What better place to do this than on my semi-private blog.  I must admit, blogging is a great way to write obscurely but with the knowledge that at some point, someone may actually read what you post.  For insecure egoists like myself, this is the perfect publishing venue.

What has happened since I last wrote?  My husband and I have officially ended our relationship.  Ten weeks after not drinking and well into our reconciliation attempt, he decided to rent a hotel room in the next town from where his is currently staying with his brother, and he bought a bottle and drank.  He had planned this for an entire week.  He called me up at midnight one Friday, woke me, and he was clearly drunk.  I found it quite hard to believe that he did this.  He had just been telling his father that morning that he was so glad he had stopped drinking and that we were getting back together in November.  I am so glad I told him he had to remain sober for six months before I would reconcile.  He made it two and a half. 

On the ruse that he was giving his brother and sister-in-law "private" time, he chose to rent a hotel so he could drink without being stopped.  He called nobody to stop it from happening.  He didn't tip his cards until after he drank.  It really pisses me off that he chose the "Leaving Las Vegas" option over toughing it up and calling someone for help.  I hope that cowardice was worth the marriage for him.  I am not going to watch someone repeatedly tempt fate and see how many times they can get away with trying to die.  And I am certainly not going to risk my own life to help someone so bent on self-destruction.  I don't have that sort of power ;I give it to God.

When he called me at midnight, he denied being drunk, then acted like he couldn't hear me and hung up, and I remember lying in bed just praying that I would get clarification on this.  That voice that isn't really a voice said "Come on, Vickie.  You know he's been drinking.  It's ok.  Let me take it from here."  My husband called me three hours later to admit he was drinking.  I thanked him for telling me the truth, and shook my head, once again realizing that if you listen closely enough, God does indeed talk.  I spent the next day praying in a very silent house.  The relationship is done.  God needs to take care of him.  I can't.  I am only getting in the way of my husband's relationship with God, and I am his crutch.  Enough.

My husband seemed shocked by my next conversation with him.  "I am not angry. I wish you only the best.  If you still want to do Bible devotionals, I would like that, but I can't keep working on this marriage.  Your drinking is too much for me.  I don't want to watch you like a mother watches her child.  I will work with you to make this transition as smooth as possible." 

His response:  "Don't break up with me on the Lord's day"  Then a few days later, "Aren't you being kind of harsh?  I fell off the wagon once."

No.  I am not being harsh.  I am being real and honest.  I stayed in this marriage for six years, hoping against hope that you would sober up.  I tried everything I knew to help you.  I supported you.  I joined you.  I ignored you.  I yelled at you.  I comforted you.  I stuck by you when others said not to.  I endured you.  I was choked by your drunken ego.  I was cut down verbally by the drunk you for years.  I endured embarassing episodes in public on every vacation we went on, at every neighborhood get-together we were a part of, and many gatherings with friends.  But I forgave the drunk you when the real you returned. 

Unfortunately, the drunk you began showing up far more often than the real you.  I couldn't forget what happened each night before.  You couldn't remember.  The chasm is too deep to forgive yet again.  Now we would have to go another six months minimum apart before we could think about reconciling.  Better to let God help you and maybe this time, I will start listening to God about his plans for me. 

Who Could've Designed This but God?

Once again I find that life hasn't turned out exactly the way I planned it. Apparently, God has a different path for me to follow and if I pay attention this time, I may understand what I can do to show others his strength. I do know for certain that I would never have made it through the last month had it not been for his neverending power supply.

I am now at the point of surrendering my own ego, my own superiority complex, my own arrogance. I am working to defer to His will for me. I am trying to be whatever God wants me to be - nothing more, nothing less. Anything I accomplish from this point on happens only because God chooses it for me.

You see, when I try to run it using my "amazing" brain, everything collides, things don't go according to my master design. Yet when God takes over, I am amazed by the way all things work out. Take, for instance, the fear I felt when my husband tried to choke me on our bed a few short weeks ago. I forgave him right after fleeing the house, but God ensured my safety because the man left the state. Now, I am protected by many miles and a domestic violence order. Who would ever have imagined such an answer to my prayers for guidance and direction concerning this marriage.

This violent episode may have been the catalyst to my husband's conversion and the episode that took place may have very little to do with me. My husband is now going to church on Sundays and Thursday in his hometown with a brother I have never met. I have prayed daily for hubby's salvation since I have been filled with the holy spirit but never guessed this would be the way it came about.

I don't know about the marriage's future. This was the second time in six years this man laid hands on me, and I am not about to put myself in harm's way again. I have prayed and searched for God's will and read endlessly God's belief regarding the marriage covenent. It may be my ego rearing up again, or fear, or anger at the violence I have dealt with, or my husband's continual relapses with alcohol even after his very recent conversion. But how masterfully brilliant is the design that has been woven to allow both my husband and I to reach out for God and deepen our relationship with Him?

Thank you, Jesus, for knowing what is best for each of us even when we ourselves work so hard to fight it and loving us when we don't even know how to love ourselves. I pray that you use me as you intend and help me remove my personal desires from the equation. My only goal in this life from this point forward is to glorify you. Please work through me to further your plans, Lord. In Jesus Name, Amen.