I am Not a Rock Star!

A fellow blogster - Tracy of "My Thoughtful Spot" brought up a really good topic which deserves a shout out followed by my own rant.  That topic is ...  my intense dislike of shopping. 

I can imagine the thoughts you may be having right this moment --
Shut up!  You hate shopping? But what do you do on vacations?  How do you spend your time on weekends?  How in the world do you ever enjoy Christmas?  What in the world do you wear? Rags?  What do you eat?  Roadkill? Are you really a woman?

Yes, I definitely hate shopping. I actually relax on vacations and weekends spending money on gas and needless items that would clutter up my home.   I buy whole wardrobes at one time so I can do all the shopping at once, and when I find a brand of slacks that fits, I buy in bulk.   If I can afford Christmas presents, I shop on the Internet.    I shop for food but usually go when the clerks are the only people in the store besides the shelf stockers.  Yes, I am a woman - and just like Oprah - I am not even a litttle bit gay!

Tracy - I thought I was the only woman in the entire world who detested shopping.  Thank you.  This is sort of like when I found out there were actually other women in the world who did not have a biological clock that was ticking - that there were other women who felt no urge to procreate or breast feed.  You have validated my non-shopping genetic disposition.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I have never liked to shop, and that feeling has only intensified over the years.  I have an aversion to crowds, which makes me wonder why I ever used to dream of being a famous musician.  I would have ended up killing the very fans I yearned for when they rushed the stage.  (Well, not the cute guys)  Of course, maybe that's why my dream was to be a famous jazz saxophone player - the venues where most jazz groups play are usually much smaller - unless you get to the David Sanborn or Kenny G level.

This aversion to crowds impacts my teaching as well. When kids rush me - which usually happens when I am handing out candy or sodas OR when grades come out and they are missing work, I get pretty claustrophobic. 

Students (as they are rushing forward at top speed): 
Ms. Mort - I turned that in!  Rembrandt over here saw me do it!  or I was absent when you did that! 
Mrs. Mort: 
Get away from me! (chair in hand fending off the masses)   I am not a rock star.  Go sit down.  I will talk with each of you seperately!  Go on-  get to your seat!  Back Off!

My seventh graders are always a little mystified by my reaction, but since I am cool most of the time, they forgive this one idiosyncracy, albeit begrudgingly.  The ones who are far away turn around and trudge back to their seats while the closer ones give me their cutest smile and once more try to engage me in conversation.

Student: 
Mrs. Mort - just one quick question - I turned this in or Mrs. Mort!  Rip Van Winkle saw me turn this in after his nap!  or Please, Mrs. Mort, just look at mine - it'll just take a sec!

Mrs. Mort (again with chair in hand): 
I said get away!  Back off!  Don't make me call security.  I am not Lindsey Lohan!

Students in seventh grade often struggle to realize they are not the center of the universe.  They will eventually listen to me if I repeat something often enough.  The remainder of the mob  adoring fans return to their seats and thrust their hands to the sky and shout out my name doing their best Horshack impersonations.  (See past episodes of the sit com Welcome Back, Kotter)  I have learned from experiences like this to preface the Passing Out of Grades with the following speech:

I am going to give you your current grade.  Please hold all questions.  Do NOT, for any reason get out of your seat.  I will not answer any questions until I am ready.  When I do answer questions, I will call on you to come up one at a time. 

That being said, I still get rushed but on a more managable level.  I guess I should repeat my speech several times before I hand out the grades.

I am not sure when this aversion to crowds began, maybe when I waited tables.  "Rushes" scared me because everyone wanted something all at once.  When I shop, I get really frustrated by people who hog the aisle or congregate there.  It really hasn't mattered the geographic location of the store - it seems that people congregate in grocery store aisles in all parts of the country.  Now I understand why Walmart's recent ad campaign emphasized wider aisles.  The only problem is that now more people cluster together.  It looks like a mini riot minus punches being thrown (customers save that for Christmas). 

Now that I live in a small town, I realize shopping is often a social outlet.  We have only one Walmart and one Kroger's in our small town.  Surrounding towns don't even have that, so Mt. Sterling is often the destination for towns east of Lexingtonand/Winchester.   So when people shop, they often see family, friends, and acquaintaces buying the week's produce or meat.  This prompts a one hour mmeting of the minds in front of the hamburger.  When the friends realize they are blocking the aisle, many look at you as if you have committed the most egregious faux pas when you try to grab a pound of beef.  Sometimes whole families have met in front of the tampons.  Tampons are embarassing enough to buy without having to wade through a half dozen men to do so.  Yep - she's on her period - Don't piss her off; she just might go postal on 'ya.

Now, when I go shopping, I prepare myself know full well I will undoubtedly uncounter a group of my students since this is the only Walmart near their county, and when I do, will undoubtedly rush me if I have candy in the cart.  Needless to say, I NEVER go shopping right after I have handed out grades!