2012 and the Road of Resolution

I was in church this morning, the first day of 2012 (Yes, hard to believe what a change has occurred...tell me that isn't a God thing!)  My pastor talked what it meant to be on the road of resolution.  He gave credit to his wife's datebook/calender/daily devotional thingy as his inspiration, so he didn't flat out rip off anyone.  He was quite conscientious about crediting his source which met with all my English teacher sensibilities!
Anyway, one thing that really stood out in his sermon was the importance of recording the events where God has impacted you.  It might be one of those amazing God moments that, as someone pointed out to me (sorry - can't remember the who or the where), happen all the time, yet we are so self-absorbed neediness that we miss it entirely, or it me be a moment of reflection when we realize how different we are from a younger version of ourselves.

As I sit here this afternoon, I can't help but think of how everything I have and everything I am is all because of God's amazing grace.  Yes, it may sound cheesy to some, but I am so ok with cheesy because, when I am out of my own self-absorbed fleshly self long enough to look around,  I see how easy bein' cheesy is.  Where money, homes, status and power,  and ego preservation were the most important things in my world before Jesus entered, I am now content with no money, a beat up home (although God does see fit for me to own it at this time), no status (I am a single, broke, teacher in podunk, Kentucky for goodness sake),  and a very real understanding that my ego needs to be replaced with humility so God can work through me.

What an incredible transformation - one I can't explain, one I don't deserve, one I praise God for.  Anytime I fall back into my whiny "what about me?" world, I hope I look back on this post and remember how God has changed me, focused my attention on others more than myself.

Things I did in 2011 I would never have done prior to God:

1. Ate Top Ramen and was thankful for it.
2. Got my finances in order even though it required letting go enabling someone else (a trait I see in myself now)
3. Prayed to God when things were confusing or frustrating; whenever I let go, I actually saw amazing miracles, such as getting additional work to help me pay debts down, found ways to cut bills so that I wasn't paying so much out.  Those ideas had been there all along, but my mind couldn't see them until I let God take it all.
4. Listened to the times God told me to act (like this summer when I had to question a decision made by my boss), and God saw me through each stage.
5. God gave us an amazing principal to see us through a very challenging change at the school.
6. I saw the simple pleasures of growing a garden from a brand new perspective and enjoyed the simple task of breaking beans on the front porch!  How country girl is that!
7. I had an amazing Christmas break where I reconnected with God on a closer level and recharged my batteries in preparation for the 2nd half of the school year.
8. I finished portfolio entry #4 (except for the two page reflection) and sent it for yet another perusal by my mentor.
9. I have a plan for portfolio entries #2 and #3 (well, sort of) and trust that God will help me see this national board certification through.
10. I helped serve Thanksgiving dinner at the community center this year, something I would never have thought to have done years ago.  This was such an amazing day that I hope to keep with me always.

As 2012 begins, I pray for a deeper connection with God, a renewal of my desire to have a relationship with God that is so close I can tell what He wants me to do and when I am to do it, and continued peace and serenity as I do His will, whatever that is each day.  Yes, I love being cheesy, and I hope I never wipe this God given grin off my face! 

School is Back in Session and My Mind is Out to Lunch.

Sitting up much too late on a Saturday night, I realize that my schedule is far too packed.  It is only because of God that I accomplished as much as I did today.  What occupied my day, you may ask? 

• Lawnmowing
• Tomato picking
• Went on breakfast date (Yes!  I do have a social life tightly squeezed into this crazy schedule!)
• Lesson Planning (May I just say the standards based units take a really long time to create.  Yes, I know it will be worth it in the end which is why I keep plugging away at it).
• Creating the most complicated seating charts ever!  I color coded the seating charts based on student MAP scores which will provide me a great visual to ensure I am asking appropriate questions to various ability levels.  My new mantra?  "Data is my Daddy!"  (OK - I stole this from a great writer and friend of mine, Liz Prather, who typed it on her FB page)
• Running to the church at 9 PM to clean.  I forgot to call the other three people to remind them, so I ended up doing some additional cleaning as a result.
• Creating a lesson plan for Sunday School tomorrow.  Joseph is tempted by Potiphar's wife who had eyes for him.  When he refused her advances, she accused him of rape and her husband threw him in prison.  Great story!

Now I am blogging.  Figured I should do something to process the day even if it simply listing.  Listing is one of those things that implies that I am making progress.  In reality, it merely highlights the fact that there is so much left to accomplish.  Yet there just comes a point where a moment to myself is necessary.  I will retire shortly and read some students' responses about how they feel about reading.  Or I may read one or two cards and decide enough is enough and get a little shut-eye.  Whatever it is I do, at least I can enjoy a fresh tomato for lunch out on the front porch while looking at a freshly cut lawn, and I will know that people attended today's service in a clean church while I taught the teens another lesson on Joseph's Journey in Genesis 39.  Life is hectic - Yes, but also joyous and exiciting!

"Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-... That's all, folks."

I visited a world I never would have thought to before today.  No, it wasn't Walmart at 5 pm when everyone decides to pick up 57 items and stand in the 20 items or less checkout aisle.  No, it wasn't the inner sanctum of my mind.  No it wasn't the Twilight Zone.  It was. . . (Reek, Reek, Reek, Reek - my interpretation of a horror movie soundtrack)   ... the crawlspace beneath my house.

Yes, that's right - I chose to spend approximately 3 1/2 hours of my God given life beneath my house today with only the ugliest of critters to keep me company.  Now before you go calling the psyche ward on me, here is the reason --- I have --- (Reek, Reek, Reek ...yes, more horror movie soundtrack) --- Termites!  (If you could see me at this moment, my whole body just shuddered)

Can you believe this?  Those disgusting insects that will eat anything wooden structure in just moments are attempting to eat me out of house and home - literally.  I remember laughing at cartoons when I was a kid where animated termites would mow down a mansion in seconds leaving a pile of sawdust and the dweller from within in some compromised position.  Now how in the beep beep was that ever a funny concept?  Homeless is 30 seconds (fall on floor laughing). 

How did it ever occur to me that I might have termites?  Well, I noticed a couple of living room floorboards that looked like they were disintegrating.  Upon closer examination, they looked an awful lot like the stump outside of my house - at least it used to be a stump.  It has become less and less stumplike over the last two years.  Upon close examination of the stump remains and a reexamination of my living room floorboards and a quick visit to Google, I concluded that chances were decent this could be a termite problem.  Apparently, I reached the correct conclusion.  Yea for my brilliance. (note my lack of enthusiasm.  I hope that came across.)

At any rate, I met the nicest Orkin Man who quickly agreed I had indeed reached the correct conclusion.  He validated that with a trip to my crawlspace.  Upon resurfacing from the depths below, this man said I did have termites, they needed to be treated, but they weren't as bad as some of the infestations he had seen.   Yea for that (again, note my lack of enthusiasm).

He also mentioned that there appeared to be a lot of books below and asked if I used the space for storage.  "Absolutely not," I responded quite proudly.  "The renters before I bought the house did.  My husband cleared a bunch of stuff out of there."

"Well, he didn't clear out a bunch of wood and boxes of books."  The Orkin man pulled out a sample text from the dungeon.  (Reek, Reek, Reek, Reek) The most intricate tunnels had been burrowed deep into the tome.  "Termites love book because paper is made of wood."  Apparently. Yea.  (More enthusiasm)

After a nice sitdown at my dining room table, we came to the conclusion that this problem needed to be addressed ASAP.  The Orkin man quickly drew a blueprint of my home, went out and measured, returned and wrote a variety of numbers all over his really nice drawing.  He proceeded to explain that the numbers represented a variety of chemicals (about 5 or 6 in all) that will be sprayed on and into my home.  Some are liquid, some are powders, some are foam which is used simply as a traveling agent that permeates the walls.  They will drill holes into cement, fill with both liquid and foam termite killer, then plug up the holes.  The home will be termite free for three years or any additional treatment will be free.  After that three year period, a yearly Then he told me that the intial treatment would cost ... (Reek, Reek, Reek, Reek) $2500.00.  That's right Twenty-Five Hundred Dollars.  Two Thousand Five Hundred Dollars. 

At this point I was deciding how much I really wanted this house to stand.  Maybe it would be better to let this 40+ year old home be eaten.  Maybe it would be better to let my bank have the house back.  Maybe it would be better to put my cats in the car and just start driving.  Arizona is looking really good to me this time of year!

But then I took some deep breaths.  The sucky thing about being Christian is that I can't just ditch all my responsibilities and leave it for others to clean up.  Darn it. So I bit the bullet and signed.  My Orkin Man gave me good news though. 

First of all, this house is made of oak, not a termite favorite.  They prefer soft woods, which explains why that stump is just about dust but my house is still standing.  The great thing about the stump being soft wood is I don't need to pay anyone to remove that stump!  (lemons - lemonade - you know).

Also, the Orkin Man takes installments if your credit is good.  He is breaking these payment down to a little less than a hundred a month and that won't start until April.  Yea.

So the money I was adding to my check due to taking the ex-husband off my insurance will now go to the Orkin Man.  We got to know each other fairly well, him being in my crawlspace and all.  He has two kids - one in college, the other 19 and working.  He is a good Dad and he and his wife are doing a great job raising their kids to be responsible young people.  His daughter wants to be a teacher.  At least I know the money I am spending will go to a company that hires good people like my Orkin Man. 

Tomorrow I will tell you about my actual 3 1/2 hours in the crawlspace and the rest of my day.  But I am far too tired to get into that tonight.  All I can say is it's worth tuning in for.  I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't lived it.  Luckily, tomorrow is another snow day.  For the first time all year, I am really happy about that.  I am sleeping until 10 tomorrow and I am feeling completely guilt free about it.  Let's just hope that my bed doesn't fall through the floorboards into my crawlspace!

Soap Opera Signing Off

The last moments of the Moriarity Soap Opera are playing out.  I feel sadness, profound sadness that I can find no other option.  I realize this is necessary but can't help feeling that I should be more kind, more caring, more giving.  How, I have no earthly idea, but that feeling somehow pervades.  Think I still need to work on my own self-esteem a bit?

Below - the final moments played out. 

I called CCCS this morning and separated out the ex's debt from mine.  They will call with details of what I own from this point forward in one to two business days.  They will contact the ex.  I told them the situation, then sent the following final e-mail (I hope) to my soon to be ex:


Dear _______,

I am very sorry about the last couple of weeks for you, but as harsh as this may sound, the drinking is clearly contributing to the situations you continue to find yourself in. I can't keep listening to you continue to spiral downward, so I need to end all contact with you. I got hives last week after our phone calls. When you drink, you make poor decisions, and you do and say things you never would if you were sober, so here is what I plan to do at this point. I am cutting all ties with you. It will be better for my health at this point.

I am calling CCCS today, and they are going to separate our credit card payments. What is mine will be mine. What is yours will be yours. I will not cash your check if you do send me one. They will call you today after I have spoken to the counselor. I am sure you will need the money, and I can get by this month. I can't rely on your check, and I need my finances to be more stable to survive. This way, we will both know what we have coming in and going out.

When I can afford it, I will file for divorce, probably sometime during the summer. I hope you will sign a quit claim deed, but if you don't, I'll deal with that later. It isn't that important at this time, and if I could, I would dump the house and get something more manageable for just me. It is a non-issue at this time.

I will send items like your CD's and whatever else as I can afford to.

I wish you luck. I am done with phone calls and e-mails, so please don't contact me anymore. I am sorry I yelled at you the other night, but telling me I should have fought harder when you were choking me last May is not logical (the second time you have told me this), and it angers me when I hear you refuse to own your part. I don't need to relive this anymore, and I am choosing to get on with the life God gave me.

I really hope you get sober, and take good care of yourself. I will pray for you as I always do.

Best Wishes --


I unlocked my e-mail for the sole purpose of one final goodbye, certain he would send it, and he did:  Here was his response:

Hello, still locked it the hospital phone almost dead only got your message in tex w no body. Don't know when I'm out or where ill live I will do will have to file 7 I have nothing sorry just txt me phone on last breathe

Like his phone, our communication just exhaled its final last breath.  I just blocked any future e-mails from him and my phone will ring silent if he does call me or text.  The drama is over.  Now maybe the hives will go away.  Onto the rest of my life.  Thank you, God!

NO MORE SOAP OPERA SUNDAYS, MONDAYS, TUESDAYS, WEDNESDAYS, THURSDAYS, OR FRIDAYS.

The Voice of Reason

Isaiah 30:20-21
20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”


Well, when God wants me to hear His voice, He sends me signs, quiet clear words - often echoed by other people. Today was one of those amazing and powerful days when I realize how much God is speaking. I just need to listen.
I went to church, happy to be in a warm, safe place where I could experience fellowship and just praise God.  One of my Sunday school students ran out in ten degree weather to say hi in his new T-shirt, which he couldn't wait to show me.  We frequently discuss video games, one of his all time favorite topics, and he ran out there to show the phrase of the day so boldly printed in green -  "If I'm not sweating, then I haven't played video games enough!"  It was so nice to see his joy, his excitement, his happiness.

I went inside, said hi to several people, and went to sit down.  It wasn't long at all before the service started - I had gotten there late due to the weather.  I stood up to sing.

We have a wonderful band at our church that plays modern Christian music.  I always feel at peace as I enjoy the songs, a chance to praise god and to focus solely  Him, not on me.  I felt God's love as I gave all the stress of the last few days over to Him and thanked Him for all he has done for me.  I praised him for the neighbors who happened by me yesterday and helped me put on my donut tire after I had a flat.  I thanked Him for making sure I had enough money to have a new tire put on my car and for it happening on a Saturday instead of a school day.  I thanked God for the fact it happened when I was going 10 miles and hour and not 70.  I thanked Him for everything. 

A few songs later, a couple of lyrics hit me to the core and I began to cry.  When I was saved, the same thing happened, and sometimes the lyrics ring of such simple truth that I get emotional.  Anyway, one of the lyrics really pointed out how this world is not the way Jesus intended it to be, that we are supposed to be his hands and feet, show compassion.  I thought of my ex and our conversations the last few days, and my heart ached for him, that he seemed unable to come to terms with his need for alcohol. So when they asked people to come forward if they had special prayer requests, it made sense to go up to the altar.

I asked the pastor to pray for my ex, that he was struggling with his addiction, that he'd lost his job, that he was in the hospital, that he needed God's help.  This act may seem odd to some, but it helped me let go of any self-perceived control over the whole situation.  As my pastor and the congregation prayed for him, one of the elders, who would never speak up as he did today (this according to people who have gone to this church forever), said in a firm, caring voice that resonated through the entire room as I walked back up the aisle, "Realize there is nothing you can do for him.  When he is ready to let God help, God will be there, but there is nothing you can do for him right now." 

I walked to my seat, stunned, tears streaming down my face.  Back in March, April, and May of last year, those were virtually the same words I had heard over and over in my head as I had tried to grapple with the ex's drinking.  This is not your deal. This is not your deal.  I heard that same phrase from the time I asked Jesus to come into my heart to the day I prayed to him when the ex was choking me.  I heard it so often, it almost became my mantra.  The phrase gave me an objective perspective when he ranted and blamed me for his troubles.  And here it was again, the same phrase once again.

Jules told me the same thing the night before when she recommended I block his e-mails, I just read a fellow blogger's comment to my previous post, and she said the exact same thing. (Thanks, Cheryl)

 Wow!  I get it.  I get it and I let it all go to God.  If I truly have the faith I claim to have, how dare I question God's ability to take care of this man and his struggles.  How dare I interfere or enable.  I get it.

Time to move forward and listen to what God truly wants me to do to glorify His name. I will never stop praying for this man, but I think I am finally past my false belief that I have any power to help him.  I will leave that awesome task to God.

Chaos - Only in Greek Mythology from Now On!

Well, I finally had to block my ex's e-mails  (Thanks, Jules, for your objective wisdom in this matter).  I can no longer read his drunken nonsense.  Tonight's final episode will be just that -- the last. 

It all started a few days ago.  I got a one line e-mail that stated "I think I am about to get fired". 

The last time we spoke a month or so ago, we had created an agreement regarding some credit card debt we were cleaning up.  We had struck a deal with Consumer Credit Counseling before splitting up.  After he had left the state in a hurry to avoid having to go to court over domestic violence (I can't even believe I am writing this in first person!  It feels like the plot line from the Lifetime Movie Channel!), we developed a respectful tone with one another.  He was working again, and he appeared to be moving ahead with his life.  Occasionally we talked -- Our would have been 7th anniversary, an occasional How's the Weather e-mail...nothing too intense, and that was working for me. 

Then the bills began to pile up.  I realized I had taken on all of the debt except his car and the lawn mower I still had in the garage, and I was sinking into poverty fast.  At the time, it seemed easier to take on the debt if he would just go away.

After having to go to the emergency room and racking up over $1000.00 in emergency bills and having the car break down, I accepted that I couldn't pay his bills as well as mine.  I called CCC to see what could be done.  They said we could separate his debt from mine which would lower my payment to 250 - less than half of what I was currently paying.  I called him with their number. 

He hit the roof, said I had everything - at least $30,000 dollars worth of stuff in the house which belonged to him, not to mention the house

(By the way, I bought the house and have paid the mortgage ever since we have had it, but because we are married, it is partially his unless he signs a quit claim deed)

to which I hit the roof and said had he not almost choked me to death and left the state that we wouldn't be having this discussion. 

A little later he called me back, and agreed to send me most of the money that was his half of the CCC debt, and I would continue to pay the full amount.  I had the option to cut his debt free and I didn't do it.  I sure wish I had done that then.

Since the drunken anniversary call, I hadn't really heard from him, and I was settling into my workaholic routine quite nicely.  The ex sent his almost half of the debt for one month, and I had hope that we were treating each other fairly and kindly and moving forward with our separate lives.

Then I got that one line e-mail - "I think I am about to get fired."

I was a bit shocked.  This man has never been fired - he always quits jobs because he gets bored or feels he is undervalued.  But fired?  Momentarily, I thought of my money situation and then shook that from my mind.  How callous of me.    How was he?  Do I respond?  How do I respond?  So I e-mailed back:  So sorry!  What happened?  I'll pray for you.  Call if you want.

Now that had to be the all time dumbest thing I could ever have e-mailed back.  My dear friend Jules has metaphorically shaken me through the phone, and rightfully so!  How could I fall for the feel sorry for me routine once again?  But I did.

My reward for that phone call was a drunken spiel about how he had rescued a co-worker from a snowbank because she had called at two in the morning saying her husband would literally KILL her if he knew about this.  So, even he had a couple of beers (whatever that means) he drove to pick her up and took her to his place to stay overnight out of the kindness of his heart.  Then he stayed up all night talking with her - but there was nothing sexual (like I even care!) and he called in the next day because he had been up all night.  They unfairly fired him, he stated, because his boss said this woman has been in an abusive relationship for over 14 years and that's why they have Human Resource department.  So the ex shouts back that he was helping someone and if that was worth firing him, then so be it. HUH?????

At any rate, after I heard the whole story, I asked him why he is still drinking.  Of course, that was the craziest thing I could have ever said, according to him...The conversation deteriorated from there.  He proceeded to ask me again if there was any chance for us to get back together (I told him no), then attempted to serenade me with songs he had once sung to me.  Mercifully, I was saved by one of my girlfriends who was returning my call from earlier, so I wished him well and told him I had to go.

Then I got other e-mails where it was clear the alcohol was taking over once again - ones where he called himself evil, etc.  I wrote back saying he wasn't evil.  He was saved by God, so he couldn't be.  If they don't fire him, I hoped he would quit drinking, and if they did fire him, I hoped he would quit drinking.  Then he responded that those were better words written than any song he had ever penned. 

He then texted (there's another darn 20 cents of mine he wasted!) that he was sending the money he owed a little late because he wanted to see how much his final check would be.

Then -- the piece de resistance ... This e-mail:
Friday, January 21, 2011  1:58 AM  (Yep, I'm guessing he was drinking and e-mailing yet again)
Hello baby
It has taken me 8 months to work the courage to write this because i alwas revered you more than you will ever know.  I have had over 40 employees and my sister in law call me this week to etell me I am a good man.  I lost my job because I went and saved a woman in distress.  I thought about it over and over and wouldnt change a thing

When you said my drinking was not your deal...and you couldnt help ... I died that day

I only ever wanted a woman strong enough to fight for me like I would her

I am sorry things turned out like they did

You could own me if you wanted

You just didnt realize

And In front of Jesus....I miss you soo much, now my life will get really bad

Be good


Ummmm...ok....When I read this, I could see the self-pity, the blaming of others for his own choices, the addiction refusing to allow him to own his behavior, the denial, the woe is me. Yet, after seven years, I couldn't shake off any of that enough to ignore the e-mail.  So I looked up one of his cousin's phone number on Facebook and left a message asking him to check on the man to be sure he was ok stating I really didn't want to create any more drama, but just wanted to be sure he was ok.

Then not a minute later, I get another text message stating  "Guess things happen for a reason.  I 'm in the hospital"

Well, that freaked me out.  I called and he answered.  Then he proceeds to tell me that I should have fought harder when he put his hands around my throat - kicked him off me. 

OK  -- silly me, of course I should have done that.  What was I thinking????

I lost it and screamed at him.  I told him that I am tired of his excuses, that he needs to own his behaviors, that drinking is causing his problems, and I am not going to take his calls anymore.  He hung up on me.  I am not proud of my tirade.  It wasn't graceful or kind.  It was me being frustrated.  I allowed myself to fall for the drama yet again.

He told me this same thing (I should have fought him off when he was choking me) the day he called on  our would have been anniversary.  Enough is enough is enough.  Tonight is the end of this insanity.  His cousin texted me...I sent him Tim's number, told him he says he is in the hospital and we argued over the phone, and thanked him for checking on him. 

Monday I will separate our CCC accounts and I will file my taxes separate married.  Then I will get to saving my money and get this divorce finalized.  I have had enough of the drama, am no longer interested in trying to rescue a grown man, and am truly enjoying my very undramatic life.  If I want a little Chaos, I'll read Greek Mythology from now on!

We Shall Overcome

Three snow days and we finally went back school yesterday.  I had a Monday/Friday opportunity to teach students the major concepts necessary to pass the state test in April.  Mind you, if I don't teach them well enough, the principal is certain he will be fired as well as half our staff.  This all due to some pie in the sky figure the state and federal government dreams up in order to make sure all are students reach proficiency by 2014.  The chance of pushing the test back is minimal at best.  No, they usually just tack the days to the end of the year when all students feel they are technically out because the big tests have already been given. 

We are still wading through the same story I started a week and a half ago that I was planning to use to cement their understanding of propaganda.  I have also had them write out reading strategy responses in their journals, and I plan to put them into pairs where they have to complete graphic organizers that focus on different skills based on their reading comprehension MAP scores. 

Give it to them as homework, you might think.  Ahhh.  Not if you want it read.  Kids don't do homework anymore.  Nobody really makes them.  I even tried to spark up my homework by telling kids to do the following assignment:

1.  Watch a TV commercial
2.  Analyze commercial:  Identify product being sold and target audience.  What persuasive/propaganda techniques are being used?  Is this commercial being used persuasively or as propaganda?  Why do you feel that way.
3.  Text response to number I gave them where I have a poll set up for the class.  (see http://www.polleverywhere.com/ if you are interested in trying this with your students.  It is a cool site!)

I had four incomplete responses texted to me, one well written e-mail response from my overachiever, several who took the initiative and wrote the homework out on paper because they had difficulty with the texting instructions they had to write out in their agenda.  The rest?  Whiners who cried out "I couldn't get it to work" and so many others who said "What homework"?

I think I may be a little surly as well because just about every one of my students who I friended on Facebook think I have a direct connection to God's weather plans and my district's decisions regarding school.  For some reason they all seem to think I know whether we are going to have school or not.  Never mind that I tell them over and over that, just like them, I find out when they find out - from channel 27 or from the onecall system our school sends out with recorded messages.  Coincidentally, it's those same students who said "What homework" in class.  when I asked them about it on Facebook, and I explained it to them several times on facebook both en masse and individually, they said they would do it...I have this really great bridge I can sell 'ya ...

And here we are, at the beginning of a three day weekend -- That's right - Monday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.  Don't get me wrong.  I am so glad King finally received a day that our country honors him.  But have you ever tried to get 7th graders, or any graders, for that matter to get back to work after a multitude of snowdays (I think we have been to work in January a total of six days this year - if that!) and the threat of more nasty weather next week?  Especially after having just been off  for Christmas Break.  All the routines have been forgotten, the expectations, the work ethic.  It's like starting from scratch. 

With all this being said, I just received my Take One box in the mail, a program that lets you turn in the first portfolio entry for the National Board Certification process.  When I got the box, I remembered reading the first few standards in the instruction manual and thinking - "Wow.  They don't cut you any slack for being in a difficult environment, for having difficult students.  There are no excuses in this program for students not learning. It is the teacher's job to figure out how to teach each student.  Period.

So maybe it is quite appropriate that MLK Day is Monday.  I will be singing that hymn and applying it to my life on so many levels.  Yes - -We Shall Overcome!

I am Not a Rock Star!

A fellow blogster - Tracy of "My Thoughtful Spot" brought up a really good topic which deserves a shout out followed by my own rant.  That topic is ...  my intense dislike of shopping. 

I can imagine the thoughts you may be having right this moment --
Shut up!  You hate shopping? But what do you do on vacations?  How do you spend your time on weekends?  How in the world do you ever enjoy Christmas?  What in the world do you wear? Rags?  What do you eat?  Roadkill? Are you really a woman?

Yes, I definitely hate shopping. I actually relax on vacations and weekends spending money on gas and needless items that would clutter up my home.   I buy whole wardrobes at one time so I can do all the shopping at once, and when I find a brand of slacks that fits, I buy in bulk.   If I can afford Christmas presents, I shop on the Internet.    I shop for food but usually go when the clerks are the only people in the store besides the shelf stockers.  Yes, I am a woman - and just like Oprah - I am not even a litttle bit gay!

Tracy - I thought I was the only woman in the entire world who detested shopping.  Thank you.  This is sort of like when I found out there were actually other women in the world who did not have a biological clock that was ticking - that there were other women who felt no urge to procreate or breast feed.  You have validated my non-shopping genetic disposition.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I have never liked to shop, and that feeling has only intensified over the years.  I have an aversion to crowds, which makes me wonder why I ever used to dream of being a famous musician.  I would have ended up killing the very fans I yearned for when they rushed the stage.  (Well, not the cute guys)  Of course, maybe that's why my dream was to be a famous jazz saxophone player - the venues where most jazz groups play are usually much smaller - unless you get to the David Sanborn or Kenny G level.

This aversion to crowds impacts my teaching as well. When kids rush me - which usually happens when I am handing out candy or sodas OR when grades come out and they are missing work, I get pretty claustrophobic. 

Students (as they are rushing forward at top speed): 
Ms. Mort - I turned that in!  Rembrandt over here saw me do it!  or I was absent when you did that! 
Mrs. Mort: 
Get away from me! (chair in hand fending off the masses)   I am not a rock star.  Go sit down.  I will talk with each of you seperately!  Go on-  get to your seat!  Back Off!

My seventh graders are always a little mystified by my reaction, but since I am cool most of the time, they forgive this one idiosyncracy, albeit begrudgingly.  The ones who are far away turn around and trudge back to their seats while the closer ones give me their cutest smile and once more try to engage me in conversation.

Student: 
Mrs. Mort - just one quick question - I turned this in or Mrs. Mort!  Rip Van Winkle saw me turn this in after his nap!  or Please, Mrs. Mort, just look at mine - it'll just take a sec!

Mrs. Mort (again with chair in hand): 
I said get away!  Back off!  Don't make me call security.  I am not Lindsey Lohan!

Students in seventh grade often struggle to realize they are not the center of the universe.  They will eventually listen to me if I repeat something often enough.  The remainder of the mob  adoring fans return to their seats and thrust their hands to the sky and shout out my name doing their best Horshack impersonations.  (See past episodes of the sit com Welcome Back, Kotter)  I have learned from experiences like this to preface the Passing Out of Grades with the following speech:

I am going to give you your current grade.  Please hold all questions.  Do NOT, for any reason get out of your seat.  I will not answer any questions until I am ready.  When I do answer questions, I will call on you to come up one at a time. 

That being said, I still get rushed but on a more managable level.  I guess I should repeat my speech several times before I hand out the grades.

I am not sure when this aversion to crowds began, maybe when I waited tables.  "Rushes" scared me because everyone wanted something all at once.  When I shop, I get really frustrated by people who hog the aisle or congregate there.  It really hasn't mattered the geographic location of the store - it seems that people congregate in grocery store aisles in all parts of the country.  Now I understand why Walmart's recent ad campaign emphasized wider aisles.  The only problem is that now more people cluster together.  It looks like a mini riot minus punches being thrown (customers save that for Christmas). 

Now that I live in a small town, I realize shopping is often a social outlet.  We have only one Walmart and one Kroger's in our small town.  Surrounding towns don't even have that, so Mt. Sterling is often the destination for towns east of Lexingtonand/Winchester.   So when people shop, they often see family, friends, and acquaintaces buying the week's produce or meat.  This prompts a one hour mmeting of the minds in front of the hamburger.  When the friends realize they are blocking the aisle, many look at you as if you have committed the most egregious faux pas when you try to grab a pound of beef.  Sometimes whole families have met in front of the tampons.  Tampons are embarassing enough to buy without having to wade through a half dozen men to do so.  Yep - she's on her period - Don't piss her off; she just might go postal on 'ya.

Now, when I go shopping, I prepare myself know full well I will undoubtedly uncounter a group of my students since this is the only Walmart near their county, and when I do, will undoubtedly rush me if I have candy in the cart.  Needless to say, I NEVER go shopping right after I have handed out grades!

Objects in the Mirror are Closer than They Appear

Once in a while, I think that mankind is evolving, that it’s more cerebral than its animalistic predecessors were. And then . . . I have to break up a fight between two middle school students, and I am forced rethink my position once again and ultimately accept the fact that the human race has not fully emerged from the dark ages. We may have moved into that time just after the sun peaks over the horizon, but not much further..


Bullies are not always easy to spot. You might think they all have to shop from the Eddie Bauer's Big and Tall catalog, but you would be sadly mistaken. Bullies come in all shapes, sizes; they are both male and female. The bully is an odd species to me, one that camouflages its true intentions in Eddie Haskell mannerisms and seems utterly shocked when caught tormenting some unfortunate.

In fact, in my teaching career, it seems to me that most bullies are not that big or that tall. The bully seems to come in a more compact form and stands ready to battle at the slightest provocation. One accidental bump in the hallway and said bully becomes the Tasmanian Devil. Just seconds ago a jovial, good natured creature, the bully quickly loses all sense of reality and sees only the face of his offender with a miniature fistprint planted on his cheek as penance for the unintentional transgression. This phenomenon is called “Short Man’s Syndrome” in teaching circles. Teachers learn size doesn't always factor in when it comes to bullies.

I see this same behavior in my cats: Elvis, my six pound runt thinks nothing of tearing after my fourteen pound gentle giant. Goldie’s eyes always have that “What just happened?” look as he zooms past me and races for the door - sometimes so quickly that he forgets to see if the door is open and knocks himself out. This always disappoints Elvis as he is all fired up. Inevitably, Elvis rids himself of his adrenalin by stampeding up and down the hallway several times, and then walking around like he is Popeye, the Sailor Man.

I have seen similar scenarios played out when those tiny obnoxious Chihuahuas who think they own everything that they see will chase you down the street when you are only trying to burn off a few calories on a relaxing walk. How utterly humiliating it is it must beto have to run as fast as you can to escape a yapping two pound dog.

You would think humans, having the larger brain and the ability to reason, should be able to suppress the urge to pummel one another, right? Unfortunately, the answer to that is – Uhhhh…no.

Case in point, played out so many times in so many schools in so many places. The brilliant young man  or woman certain to succeed in any profession is ridiculed for his or her intelligence by the the immature, less intelligent person. Said immature, less intelligent person, due to personal insecurities and fewer brain cells, hurls a volley of insults about the “nerd’s” looks, lack of coordination, family ancestry – it doesn’t really matter the insult as the intent is always the same – make the other person feel less important and less worthwhile. For years the Brain, due to a peaceful nature, tries to ignore it or let it go. This, unfortunately, is as good as giving the bully the go ahead. “Hmmm…won’t resist? OK –when I feel bad about myself or want to look tough in front of others, I will pick on the passive smart guy because most of my peers resent his intelligence anyway.”

Occasionally the ones being bullied fight back, and I must admit that I am not really sorry to see bullies get their comeuppance. Immediately, this makes me painfully aware that I am not far removed from the caveman myself. But after seeing the same bully target many people, I tire of seeing a few rotten apples make other students’ lives miserable. While I would rather not have students fight at all, sometimes bullies only seem to understand good old-fashioned butt whippin'.

I wonder if our countries work on this same principle. Did you ever notice that some of the smallest countries cause the most problems for the world? Look at Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, North Korea… All these countries pick, pick, pick, pick, pick -- until someone says “Hey, that’s enough. I have tried talking with you, ignoring you, avoiding you, not playing with you, and yet you still insist upon being a bully. Therefore, it’s time to fight back.” Hence the military presence big countries often exercise on smaller ones.

Invariably, the bully – be it a person or a country, uses baser instincts – and they prepare for battle. Humans taunt verbally then put up their dukes, countries attempt diplomatic relations then threaten nuclear holocaust.  The neanderthal seems to be closer than it appears when looking at it in the mirror.  I hope we get smarter or we can run faster.

No Hi Def for Me!

My trip home was amazing. Every member of my family was a joy to spend time with. While I could see where being closer would NOT be a good thing, this visit definitely was. I can sort of equate a visit like this to the difference between regular TV and Hi Def. You know how all the actors and actresses don't look quite as pretty on Hi Def because every facial flaw is obvious? That's the way I feel about being too close to family. Seeing them once in a while is phenomenal, but no need to put a microscope on our differences as they would overshadow the genuine Christmas spirit we all felt this holiday. I love them with all of my heart, and they me. No need to look at each wrinkle too closely.

I know that and am ever grateful to my brother for funding this trip. It simply would not have been possible had he not paid for it and let me stay at his house. It was initially really hard to humble myself and let him do this, but as my very best friend Jules pointed out, sometimes it is right to accept someone else's generosity. Don't rob them of their opportunity to feel good about helping out. So I gratefully accepted his generosity and have no words to tell him what an amazingly wonderful thing he did for me.


Mom



As a result, I was able to see my mom again who is in a rest home in Bremerton, Washington. She has multiple sclerosis and has been in the rest home for over 35 years. She is their longest living resident. When she found out she had MS, she had experimental brain surgery at the University of Washington to eliminate the tremors. I don't know how much she understands. She can't speak much anymore, but I feel like there is a lot more she understands that other in my family believe. I have been calling her and writing her on and off throughout the years, so seeing her in person after ten years was a really big deal to me.



Brother, Niece, and Mom



Mom, Niece, and Me



Her gift to me? She kissed me back. My brother was shocked as he didn't think she could do that. I believe that the contact I maintain with her has made a huge difference.  I plan to continue to do this, and I hope to go back to see her sooner this time.

I also got to see my grandmother who is now 93 or 94 years old. She lives with my aunt and uncle. She is an amazing matriarch whose signature saying while I grew up was "As long as you're happy." I think she is less accommodating with family members who do stupid things today, and I love that about her now. She calls it the way she sees it, but she loves each family member unconditionally. And trust me, some of us have made that a real challenge!



My youngest uncle and his friend; my grandma; my aunt

As an added bonus, I got to see my youngest uncle. He almost died of Hodgkin's disease last year. They were about to pull the plug, but God said not so fast. He is the family miracle, and I am so delighted. I used to follow him around as a kid. I started playing clarinet because he played it. He was only a few years older than me, so he was really like a big brother when I was growing up.

I got to see my dad who looks great. He is the same old dad, and he hasn't changed a bit. Because I have changed so much over the years, I have learned to accept him and admire him for all he has taught me. I can't imagine having raised two kids alone at such a young age and having a successful career (or several careers - he is one adventurous guy). He stepped up when many fathers would have left the scene after Mom got sick. I will always be grateful.



Dad

I also got to see Roxanne, one of my dad's former girlfriends, a sweet, caring individual who has raised a number of long term foster children. Her endlessly giving spirit was one of the reasons my brother sees her as a strong mother figure in his life, and I do believe who constant faith in him, that he would overcome his struggles was a big reason why he is doing well today. We spent one evening reminiscing about the restaurant she used to own and where I first worked as a waitress in a very ghetto section of Seattle called Ranier Valley. That restaurant deserves its own set of posts.
Finally, my brother and my niece. This was the first time I had met my niece. She is six years old and looks just like I did at her age. My whole family swears by this. She was a lot of fun, and my brother and I had the best time together we have ever had. I guess we have finally grown up and learned to appreciate one another. It sure took us long enough.

The trip forced me to examine my own tendencies to be hypercritical of those around me instead of recognizing we are all human and, yes - we all have flaws. But to concentrate on those flaws is a disservice to each human being. Instead, I choose to focus on the wonderful qualities each person brings to the table, that makes them unique and special. I think that is how God views each one of us, and I want to act the same way. Life is so much more wonderful when I celebrate each person's special, unique gifts instead of focusing on what I perceive as their flaws. Goodness knows, if people focus on my negative qualities only, I would have no friends!

Christmas Carols 2010 Style

My friend Jules wrote on her blog about creating new words for Christmas carols that were more befitting for Arizona, due to its weather challenged location when it comes to snow, sleighs, etc..  Sounds like fun, so here are my efforts. 

(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Credit Cards


Crawling on I-10

In an overheated car

Looking for the mall

So many miles afar.

 

Find a parking spot

Out past the man-made snow

Now I have to walk four miles

before I spend my dough!

 

Oh credit cards, credit cards

Please let your limits hold

so I can buy ties for Dad

For Mom, a ring of gold.

Credit cards, credit cards,

Keep your magnetic grip

Slide through machines easily

So I can shorten this trip.

 

All my presents bought

Wrapped beneath the fake, pre-lit, manufactured, really, really expensive Lowe's bought tree,

The family screaming epithets

at bad calls  and referees

 

The presents have been opened

Wrapping paper strewn about

When that first bill comes in the mail

I hope I don't pass out --

 

OHHH credit cards, credit cards

Time to pay you back
Guess I'm back to rice and beans

To get my budget back on track

Credit cards, credit cards,

I'm done using you,  I swear

Oh wait a sec - look- on sale -

Christmas underwear!

Thank you, Jules, for being my muse for this piece.  I hope you like it!

No Greater Love


I have new family this year - the people of Bethesda Community Church, a small church  of about 60 people who have shown me so much love without any strings attached, who demonstrate agape love endlessly because God taught them to do so.  They are truly the arms and legs of Jesus and are teaching me how to love others and myself in the same way.  Thank you, Bethesda!

The only other person who has shown me that sort of love is my dear friend, Julie Harris - someone who loves me unconditionally, repeatedly, and unabashedly just because I am.  She, too, knows God's grace.  She, too, has shared all she has with me and has never kept score.  I am honored she is my friend and my family as well.

As I prepare to see my biological family in a few days, I pray these powerful lessons of love given to me by both Julie and by Bethesda are well learned.  I choose to share the same sort of kindness on my trip,  pay it forward when I go home for the first time in ten years.  Butterflies?  A few, but I have never felt so whole, so complete in my 43 years of existence.  I feel ready to visit once again.  Why, because of God's Grace.  How appropriate!

Do Things Always Happen in 3's?


The phrase "nothing happens by chance" is often overused, but when I see how many people in my life are currently living parallel existences, it gives that tired, old saying new life and leaves me marvelling at how God works.

Without going into too much detail, for they all have the right to deal with their challenges privately without others' judgement or intrusion, three significant people  in my life have recently admitted they are alcoholics. 

Wow. 

The amazing thing is they are from completely different walks of life, yet are all wonderful, interesting, lovely people.  They care about others to a fault at times, are constantly striving to be their best selves, and they would undoubtedly give the shirts off their backs if you needed them. 

I used to go to AA regularly.  I thought I did have a problem with alcohol, and while I drank very heavily back then, it was not to get drunk.  It was to meet men.  Granted, I did get drunk and suffered many consequences as a result, but there is no doubt in my mind today that my true addiction back then was men.  Alcohol was just a bonus crutch.

Bars were an easy place to find men who lacked morals, and I wasn't looking for anybody who would actually have values - I didn't know how to do that.  Besides, I wouldn't have known what to do with that kind of a guy anyway, and he would have undoubtedly been too "boring" for me. 

No, I was looking for love the way I had seen it modeled by my dad because, quite frankly, that is all I knew.  You see, after my mother and he split, he had a string of women he dated that was longer than a strand of Christmas lights.  As I grew older, I played "secretary" for him and kept the exremely clingy ones at bay while he pursued the others.  I had no earthly idea what real love was, what it looked like, what it sounded like.  I certainly didn't understand the definition of love that the Bible belts out in I Corinthians:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  In fact, I thought the saying went like this:  Love is not patient, love is not kind.  It does envy, it does boast, it is proud.  And the guys I always ended up with - whether it be for an hour, night, or week, obviously shared my paradigm.

The paradigm shift took place after a particularly rowdy night. I was laying by my "friend's" pool and realized, through my hangover, I could no longer do this - the drinking.  I was done with it. I went to the next AA meeting (coincidentally, my father was in AA at the time) with my dad.  I got a sponsor.  I started to clean up.  I didn't take another drink until I met my most current ex-husband (if that doesn't tell you I had a problem picking men!) almost seven years later . . . And I didn't miss the alcohol at all, but God, how I missed the men.  My sponsor demanded I didn't date for a year. 

Not drink?  No problem!  No men?  AAAAGGGGHHHHH!  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!  I dropped her, and found a more understanding sponsor an easier sponsor -- and continued to mess up my life with loser men.  When I stopped hanging out in bars, I found it more difficult to meet the men necessary to feed my addiction, so I stopped dating lots of men and began to focus on just one loser at a time. But now, maybe - just maybe I am beginning to understand why I had to find God through the doors of AA.

While in AA, I recognized that I wasn't the center of the universe, that there was a power greater than me, that I was powerless over at least one thing and maybe more, and that the principals of AA might just be a decent blueprint for my life.  And it has been.   That little blue book led me to a God I didn't know before, one who demonstrated the love I had been seeking, real "not gonna take it back when I'm bored/tired/angry/lustful" love.  The stuff the Bible talks about.  

I still wouldn't name my spirituality for years, preferring to act superior to all those unintelligent sheep who blindly followed religion.  I was a thinker, too smart to be led around by the nose.  No, I was spiritual, not religious, thank you very much. 

But as I helped one alcoholic try to sober up, I finally let go of all my arrogance and self-importance and realized that fixing him was beyond my control.  I was powerless over his addictions and I turned everything over to Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit.  God saw to it that I safely detached from that relationship and is allowing the both of us to work on ourselves separately.


When the second person came to me recently, I still tried to be the "fixer", but I caught on a little quicker and realized that I am, once again, powerless over that person's addiction.  Instead, I have turned it over to God and do so, sometimes minute-by-minute.

Now that a third important person in my life has come to me, I immediately have given it over to God, and I feel some peace, some serenity, for I know that I have no power unless it comes through Jesus Christ.  I will pray for all of these people, offer help wherever I can without enabling.  It is imperative that I step out of the way and let God take the wheel and drive.



Maybe all that time in AA was meant to help me better understand the wonderful people in my life who are struggling with their own personal demons.  Maybe the time in AA was meant to help me understand I am no better, no worse than anybody else when it comes to addictions.  Maybe my time in AA was meant to teach me we all have addictions to all sorts of things.  Maybe it's all of the above and so much more. AlaNon might have helped me in the same way, but I really don't think I would truly understand and relate to these three people in the way that I now can had I not been heavily involved in the actual AA program.  There is no them/us mentality for me now - only a we're all in this together mentality for me.

What I am constantly amazed by is how orchestrated these "chance" events seem to be.  I will keep letting God be my guide.  It is inherently clear to me He knows exactly what He is doing, and He doesn't need my help for one cotton-pickin' minute.  He might use me, but He will tell me the appointed time and place.  All I need to do is listen and show up.  Pray for all those who struggle to let go and let God.  It seems so easy, but I know how hard it can be.

Christmas 2010

Christmas Season Begins with a Snowstorm

I have presents!

An Authentic Christmas Scene!

Ice Storm 2010 - Much easier to cope with than 2009's

Flash Frozen Decorative Pear Tree

Cozy inside - Memories on the Mantle of Happier Days with the Ex-Husband

(I prefer to remember those times!)

Educational Jargonese


OK -- I read The Bitchy Waiter last night and, once again, laughed my tail end off.  That
guy knows how to put a sarcastic spin on anything, and while I tend to be far more pollyannish about life (most of the time), it is extremely funny to read someone's prose who says what we have probably thought for years.  As a former waitress, I can relate to his many insights regarding the service industry.  It's why I couldn't hang in there for that kind of abuse.   Great Job, Bitchy Waiter.


I am enjoying yet another snow day.  I have a hunch there are many more to come this year.  With our school in such dire straits due to our inability to meet Annual Yearly Progress (We are  below the expected proficiencey-and, of course, the state raises the number of expected students at proficiency even though we didn't meet the last bar - so now we have to double and triple our kids' reading and writing skills by the end of the year.  Have you ever seen a kid who reads at a 3rd or 4th grade level increase his reading skills to 7th or 8th grade in 9 months?  If you have, PLEASE share your ideas.

 Example only

The only things that I see that truly help are small groups, one on one tutoring with instructors who truly know how to teach reading, regular practice at reading and summarizing, content teachers who focus on reading skills such as subheading, reading for a purpose, etc.  Oh yeah - it would really help if parents expected their children to read, do math, and write at home - but I digress into the areas of which I have little or no control.
(I already call three of my students nightly to ensure they are doing homework and going to bed at a decent hour, so I am trying)

We currently have targeted the students in 7th and 8th grade who are reading at least two levels below grade level but above a 3rd grade level, and they are in a class called Reading Revisited (heavy on the vocabulary with additional skills like main idea, details, etc. thrown in).  The students reading below a third grade level have been placed in classes that focus on more basic skills in the hopes we can raise their level to 3rd grade and get them into Reading Revisited.  Finally, at this ridiculously late date, we might be able to pay for a reading interventionist who will work will students below 3rd grade level for about 10 minutes a day to work on fluency using the Great Leaps program. (a good program and 10 minutes really does work if it's done daily)

With all this being said, the threat has been issued.  Increase the scores or lose the principal and half the staff (if the state can still afford to do that).  If that happens, I wonder where we will go.  Will we get hired by other schools facing the same sanctions?  Will we give up and draw unemployment?  Will we get hired on at Walmart and become greeters (That is undoubtedly my future job when I retire since I have no money - Ah but I digress yet again - sorry)

We were very "lucky" to get a highly specialized educator in our school this year.  She costs our school about $400.00 a day when she visits.  She spent the first two months telling us how much we sucked.  Then she shared ideas (with a hostile audience - and yes - I was one as I don't take too kindly to being told I don't know what I am doing after 16 years in the classroom - uhhh, my scores went up, not down - yes, my ego again, I know) that contradicted each other and therefore canceled each other out, and she still does that. 

Cases in point?  Use journals (1st meeting), don't use journals - teach to the test (next meeting), don't teach to the test - we need to look beyond the test if you will be successful with the new standards (last meeting).  AAARRRGGGHHHHH!

At any rate, I have come to the conclusion that, if I am truly reflective about what I teach and what my language arts team teaches, we will improve.  Ensuring that we teach only to standards, I create the summative assessment prior to instruction and use formative assessments to gage how well students are grasping the concepts, and  I design  congruent activities to teach students the student learning targets (more educational jargonese), then I am sure to improve their scores.

Sad thing is -- that's what I have always done!  OK, Bitchy Waiter, maybe some of your sarcasm has rubbed off on me just a little bit, although I could never write it the way you do.

Embrace your Jabberwocky!

Apparently, teaching Lewis Carroll's "The Jabberwocky" is rubbing off on me as of late.  If you didn't already know this, "Jabberwocky" was a part of Carroll's book Through the Looking Glass, sequel to Alice in Wonderland.

I am pretty sure that Lewis Carroll dabbled in hallucogenic drugs or was on the outer edges of senility.  Whether his state of mind was one he sought out or one the settled upon him with no outside assistance, you have to admire the way he didn't fight it, but instead embraced it.  I can sort of hear him saying, "What the heck.  I'm losing my mind.  Let's make it fun for everyone!  Just consider my jabberwocky in uffish thought as you rest by this here TumTum tree."

His writings created a entirely new lexicon from which to draw when you can't think of just the right word to fill in the blank.  In fact, the term "jabberwocky" is now a proud member of  Webster's finest and literally means "nonsense language".  I'm not kidding.  Go google it!

Anyway - sorry for the language arts lesson there - I haven't taught my students in almost a week now, and I am beginning to have withdrawals, which may explain my sudden fascination with Lewis Carroll's verbosity.  As a result, it seems that I have started, quite unintentionally,  my own personalized word list.  I hope this doesn't mean I am headed off to restaurant where I am the only diner, but if so, I hope I enjoy the ambience once there.

Here are a few (sorry bloggers, if I have already used them on your blogs).

1. restivities - noun - What you do before and after attending Christmas and New Year's Eve parties.
2. lootery  -  noun  - The winnings you receive from any lottery, raffle, contest, etc.
3. slinding  -  verb  -  what happens to you when you are casually walking along and hit a patch of ice. (I'm not going to lie. Slinding is painful.) 
4. electricide  - noun  -  murder by electricity bill (what many will suffer due to this cold snap - may God rest our souls.)

Well, I am about to venture forth into the brillig morning and see what new words I will encounter this day.  I hope they are friendly, unlike bandersnatches and Jubjub birds, but if not ... I will keep my vorpal sword close at hand and, snicker-snack, off with their prefixes!

Questions that Shape the Universe

I heard a great poem on NPR the other day where the author personified snow as terrorist who held people hostage in their homes.  Pretty unique perspective with which many in the midwest can relate, I am sure.  I wish I had written it.  It was great!

Since that sort of creativity has not yet struck in the midst of this snowstorm, I am left to ponder the more mundane:  How many snowflakes had to fall to create the four inch blanket outside my window?  What is causing the backed up traffic on the freeway that I can see through my naked trees?  Will we have school tomorrow?  How much discussion will there be tonight by those brilliant sportscasters about the Vikings losing their top during the snowstorm?

One thing for sure...there are few students on facebook clamoring for classes to resume...or teachers, for that matter.  We are all such grasshoppers, preferring to dance and sing today - never mind about tomorrow. 

As I sit here wasting time, I suppose I am no exception, although I did do a couple of things earlier that required some effort:  shoveled the walk, took the garbage to the road, packed the snow by drivng over it, checked to be sure the heater is on in the garage (The trek to the garage takes a lot more effort when trudging through snow drifts), and cleaned the house (this has done much for my mood - I am now calmer and more at peace). 

I should write up the language arts team notes from last week before long and look at the requirements for my portfolio entry for the national boards, but as the traffic's hypnotic rhythm (yes, the obstruction has been cleared - cars once again resume their steady pace), I revisit the most important question I pondered earlier.  Will we really have school tomorrow?

I think I will go make a cup of coffee and think about that some more.

That was Then - This is Now



My financial woes, like so many others have endured, have occupied my mind for quite some time, which is probably one reason why blogging seemed far too arduous a task.  However, on this cold, snowy Sunday morning, my muse is urging me to commemorate a moment of serenity as I look back on all those who have seen me through the last few months.  You see, I have been able to pay every bill, thanks to the generosity of others and some darn hard work on my part.

Finances seemed bleak at best when I last wrote about my impossible Walmart trip.  Apparently, that was a catalyst that helped to kick me in the hind quarters.  I dealt with some bills that had been hanging out there (namely the Consumer Credit Counseling Bill aquired by both my husband and myself.  Basic scenario - Husband quite triple digit job - Wife paid most of the bills while he went to real estate school - We downsized from a 1500 dollar a month mortgage to a 750 dollar mortgage - We both cashed in our retirement funds and lived on credit cards for awhile - - Husband let drinking overwhelm him resulting in violence - Husband moved to Minnesota - Wife was still paying all CCCS bill)  RESULT - Top Ramen, barely enough gas to get to work, and - yes - unable to pay for 56.00 dollars worth of groceries.

After screaming at God in my very cold back bedroom and giving up completely, things began to change.  I eliminated all non-essentials except my cable (I was really ready to do that, but  life soon changed - see the "This is Now" section).  I called CCCS  and explained the situation.  Now the bill is half of what I was paying.    I called the ex and humbled myself - no, I am not superwoman; I can't pay for everything and still keep the house.  Either we work together, or I file bankruptcy.  Ex stepped up to the plate and is now paying for his cards.  I called all the medical facilities who are billing me for my trip to emergency and got them to take 10.00 a month until I can do differently.  I reduced next years insurance as Tim now has a job and can have his company insure him. 

In short - I did everything I could think of to reduce my debt. 

That was then.

This is now.

My church wrote me a check for 150.00 dollars - a humbling moment, but I am learning to accept others' generosity when I need to.  I was able to pay the electric bill.  All of a sudden, things started falling into place.  I had worked every extra gig I could think of at school:  tutoring, Saturday school, SBDM member, Content Team Chairperson,  Leadership Team Member, KTIP Mentor...You name it, I worked it.  As a result, I received an additional 500.00 dollars on my last check. PHEW!  Amazing; I had given up finally, and now everything was working out.

To top it off, my district has decided to help teachers earn their national board certification - I had created a proposal for this several months ago and had been told to go get a loan since I would get 75% back anyway.  Needless to say, I was angry about that for a while.  But I let it go figuring if I was supposed to do this, God would let me know.  He did in a big way about three weeks ago when the same man who told me to go get a loan asked me to consider it; the district now had a way to fund it.  The odd thing is that their plan is just about the same one I proposed.  I was given credit for the ideas at the meeting I attended last week.  But I sort of wonder if God wasn't making a point.  He loves me simply because He loves me - not for who I am, not for what I 've done.  I have the opportunity to earn 4,000 additional each year if I pass this certification.  My cost will be $252.60 thanks to some scholarships offered by the district to those of us who attended the meeting.  Wow.  Now that is a God thing if I ever saw it.

Maybe I needed a good dose of humility.  I now have much more empathy for those who struggle to make ends meet.  I appreciate simple things like heat in the house, being able to pay for sodas I promised to my students, honoring my financial obligations for services rendered.  If I wasn't a Jesus Freak before, I sure am now.  I know He will lift me up if I just let go.  He keeps on teaching me this lesson.  I don't want to take control today and hopefully I won't want to tomorrow.  In good times and bad, God's there and He has a purpose.  My job is just to keep the faith and praise his name every chance I get.