Chaos - Only in Greek Mythology from Now On!

Well, I finally had to block my ex's e-mails  (Thanks, Jules, for your objective wisdom in this matter).  I can no longer read his drunken nonsense.  Tonight's final episode will be just that -- the last. 

It all started a few days ago.  I got a one line e-mail that stated "I think I am about to get fired". 

The last time we spoke a month or so ago, we had created an agreement regarding some credit card debt we were cleaning up.  We had struck a deal with Consumer Credit Counseling before splitting up.  After he had left the state in a hurry to avoid having to go to court over domestic violence (I can't even believe I am writing this in first person!  It feels like the plot line from the Lifetime Movie Channel!), we developed a respectful tone with one another.  He was working again, and he appeared to be moving ahead with his life.  Occasionally we talked -- Our would have been 7th anniversary, an occasional How's the Weather e-mail...nothing too intense, and that was working for me. 

Then the bills began to pile up.  I realized I had taken on all of the debt except his car and the lawn mower I still had in the garage, and I was sinking into poverty fast.  At the time, it seemed easier to take on the debt if he would just go away.

After having to go to the emergency room and racking up over $1000.00 in emergency bills and having the car break down, I accepted that I couldn't pay his bills as well as mine.  I called CCC to see what could be done.  They said we could separate his debt from mine which would lower my payment to 250 - less than half of what I was currently paying.  I called him with their number. 

He hit the roof, said I had everything - at least $30,000 dollars worth of stuff in the house which belonged to him, not to mention the house

(By the way, I bought the house and have paid the mortgage ever since we have had it, but because we are married, it is partially his unless he signs a quit claim deed)

to which I hit the roof and said had he not almost choked me to death and left the state that we wouldn't be having this discussion. 

A little later he called me back, and agreed to send me most of the money that was his half of the CCC debt, and I would continue to pay the full amount.  I had the option to cut his debt free and I didn't do it.  I sure wish I had done that then.

Since the drunken anniversary call, I hadn't really heard from him, and I was settling into my workaholic routine quite nicely.  The ex sent his almost half of the debt for one month, and I had hope that we were treating each other fairly and kindly and moving forward with our separate lives.

Then I got that one line e-mail - "I think I am about to get fired."

I was a bit shocked.  This man has never been fired - he always quits jobs because he gets bored or feels he is undervalued.  But fired?  Momentarily, I thought of my money situation and then shook that from my mind.  How callous of me.    How was he?  Do I respond?  How do I respond?  So I e-mailed back:  So sorry!  What happened?  I'll pray for you.  Call if you want.

Now that had to be the all time dumbest thing I could ever have e-mailed back.  My dear friend Jules has metaphorically shaken me through the phone, and rightfully so!  How could I fall for the feel sorry for me routine once again?  But I did.

My reward for that phone call was a drunken spiel about how he had rescued a co-worker from a snowbank because she had called at two in the morning saying her husband would literally KILL her if he knew about this.  So, even he had a couple of beers (whatever that means) he drove to pick her up and took her to his place to stay overnight out of the kindness of his heart.  Then he stayed up all night talking with her - but there was nothing sexual (like I even care!) and he called in the next day because he had been up all night.  They unfairly fired him, he stated, because his boss said this woman has been in an abusive relationship for over 14 years and that's why they have Human Resource department.  So the ex shouts back that he was helping someone and if that was worth firing him, then so be it. HUH?????

At any rate, after I heard the whole story, I asked him why he is still drinking.  Of course, that was the craziest thing I could have ever said, according to him...The conversation deteriorated from there.  He proceeded to ask me again if there was any chance for us to get back together (I told him no), then attempted to serenade me with songs he had once sung to me.  Mercifully, I was saved by one of my girlfriends who was returning my call from earlier, so I wished him well and told him I had to go.

Then I got other e-mails where it was clear the alcohol was taking over once again - ones where he called himself evil, etc.  I wrote back saying he wasn't evil.  He was saved by God, so he couldn't be.  If they don't fire him, I hoped he would quit drinking, and if they did fire him, I hoped he would quit drinking.  Then he responded that those were better words written than any song he had ever penned. 

He then texted (there's another darn 20 cents of mine he wasted!) that he was sending the money he owed a little late because he wanted to see how much his final check would be.

Then -- the piece de resistance ... This e-mail:
Friday, January 21, 2011  1:58 AM  (Yep, I'm guessing he was drinking and e-mailing yet again)
Hello baby
It has taken me 8 months to work the courage to write this because i alwas revered you more than you will ever know.  I have had over 40 employees and my sister in law call me this week to etell me I am a good man.  I lost my job because I went and saved a woman in distress.  I thought about it over and over and wouldnt change a thing

When you said my drinking was not your deal...and you couldnt help ... I died that day

I only ever wanted a woman strong enough to fight for me like I would her

I am sorry things turned out like they did

You could own me if you wanted

You just didnt realize

And In front of Jesus....I miss you soo much, now my life will get really bad

Be good


Ummmm...ok....When I read this, I could see the self-pity, the blaming of others for his own choices, the addiction refusing to allow him to own his behavior, the denial, the woe is me. Yet, after seven years, I couldn't shake off any of that enough to ignore the e-mail.  So I looked up one of his cousin's phone number on Facebook and left a message asking him to check on the man to be sure he was ok stating I really didn't want to create any more drama, but just wanted to be sure he was ok.

Then not a minute later, I get another text message stating  "Guess things happen for a reason.  I 'm in the hospital"

Well, that freaked me out.  I called and he answered.  Then he proceeds to tell me that I should have fought harder when he put his hands around my throat - kicked him off me. 

OK  -- silly me, of course I should have done that.  What was I thinking????

I lost it and screamed at him.  I told him that I am tired of his excuses, that he needs to own his behaviors, that drinking is causing his problems, and I am not going to take his calls anymore.  He hung up on me.  I am not proud of my tirade.  It wasn't graceful or kind.  It was me being frustrated.  I allowed myself to fall for the drama yet again.

He told me this same thing (I should have fought him off when he was choking me) the day he called on  our would have been anniversary.  Enough is enough is enough.  Tonight is the end of this insanity.  His cousin texted me...I sent him Tim's number, told him he says he is in the hospital and we argued over the phone, and thanked him for checking on him. 

Monday I will separate our CCC accounts and I will file my taxes separate married.  Then I will get to saving my money and get this divorce finalized.  I have had enough of the drama, am no longer interested in trying to rescue a grown man, and am truly enjoying my very undramatic life.  If I want a little Chaos, I'll read Greek Mythology from now on!

Do Things Always Happen in 3's?


The phrase "nothing happens by chance" is often overused, but when I see how many people in my life are currently living parallel existences, it gives that tired, old saying new life and leaves me marvelling at how God works.

Without going into too much detail, for they all have the right to deal with their challenges privately without others' judgement or intrusion, three significant people  in my life have recently admitted they are alcoholics. 

Wow. 

The amazing thing is they are from completely different walks of life, yet are all wonderful, interesting, lovely people.  They care about others to a fault at times, are constantly striving to be their best selves, and they would undoubtedly give the shirts off their backs if you needed them. 

I used to go to AA regularly.  I thought I did have a problem with alcohol, and while I drank very heavily back then, it was not to get drunk.  It was to meet men.  Granted, I did get drunk and suffered many consequences as a result, but there is no doubt in my mind today that my true addiction back then was men.  Alcohol was just a bonus crutch.

Bars were an easy place to find men who lacked morals, and I wasn't looking for anybody who would actually have values - I didn't know how to do that.  Besides, I wouldn't have known what to do with that kind of a guy anyway, and he would have undoubtedly been too "boring" for me. 

No, I was looking for love the way I had seen it modeled by my dad because, quite frankly, that is all I knew.  You see, after my mother and he split, he had a string of women he dated that was longer than a strand of Christmas lights.  As I grew older, I played "secretary" for him and kept the exremely clingy ones at bay while he pursued the others.  I had no earthly idea what real love was, what it looked like, what it sounded like.  I certainly didn't understand the definition of love that the Bible belts out in I Corinthians:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  In fact, I thought the saying went like this:  Love is not patient, love is not kind.  It does envy, it does boast, it is proud.  And the guys I always ended up with - whether it be for an hour, night, or week, obviously shared my paradigm.

The paradigm shift took place after a particularly rowdy night. I was laying by my "friend's" pool and realized, through my hangover, I could no longer do this - the drinking.  I was done with it. I went to the next AA meeting (coincidentally, my father was in AA at the time) with my dad.  I got a sponsor.  I started to clean up.  I didn't take another drink until I met my most current ex-husband (if that doesn't tell you I had a problem picking men!) almost seven years later . . . And I didn't miss the alcohol at all, but God, how I missed the men.  My sponsor demanded I didn't date for a year. 

Not drink?  No problem!  No men?  AAAAGGGGHHHHH!  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!  I dropped her, and found a more understanding sponsor an easier sponsor -- and continued to mess up my life with loser men.  When I stopped hanging out in bars, I found it more difficult to meet the men necessary to feed my addiction, so I stopped dating lots of men and began to focus on just one loser at a time. But now, maybe - just maybe I am beginning to understand why I had to find God through the doors of AA.

While in AA, I recognized that I wasn't the center of the universe, that there was a power greater than me, that I was powerless over at least one thing and maybe more, and that the principals of AA might just be a decent blueprint for my life.  And it has been.   That little blue book led me to a God I didn't know before, one who demonstrated the love I had been seeking, real "not gonna take it back when I'm bored/tired/angry/lustful" love.  The stuff the Bible talks about.  

I still wouldn't name my spirituality for years, preferring to act superior to all those unintelligent sheep who blindly followed religion.  I was a thinker, too smart to be led around by the nose.  No, I was spiritual, not religious, thank you very much. 

But as I helped one alcoholic try to sober up, I finally let go of all my arrogance and self-importance and realized that fixing him was beyond my control.  I was powerless over his addictions and I turned everything over to Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit.  God saw to it that I safely detached from that relationship and is allowing the both of us to work on ourselves separately.


When the second person came to me recently, I still tried to be the "fixer", but I caught on a little quicker and realized that I am, once again, powerless over that person's addiction.  Instead, I have turned it over to God and do so, sometimes minute-by-minute.

Now that a third important person in my life has come to me, I immediately have given it over to God, and I feel some peace, some serenity, for I know that I have no power unless it comes through Jesus Christ.  I will pray for all of these people, offer help wherever I can without enabling.  It is imperative that I step out of the way and let God take the wheel and drive.



Maybe all that time in AA was meant to help me better understand the wonderful people in my life who are struggling with their own personal demons.  Maybe the time in AA was meant to help me understand I am no better, no worse than anybody else when it comes to addictions.  Maybe my time in AA was meant to teach me we all have addictions to all sorts of things.  Maybe it's all of the above and so much more. AlaNon might have helped me in the same way, but I really don't think I would truly understand and relate to these three people in the way that I now can had I not been heavily involved in the actual AA program.  There is no them/us mentality for me now - only a we're all in this together mentality for me.

What I am constantly amazed by is how orchestrated these "chance" events seem to be.  I will keep letting God be my guide.  It is inherently clear to me He knows exactly what He is doing, and He doesn't need my help for one cotton-pickin' minute.  He might use me, but He will tell me the appointed time and place.  All I need to do is listen and show up.  Pray for all those who struggle to let go and let God.  It seems so easy, but I know how hard it can be.

Been in Hell, But Back Now

Well, after a month long hiatus, I am back.  Who know if this will become a regular part of my week again as school keeps me ridiculously busy, but I felt a huge need to purge my thoughts.  What better place to do this than on my semi-private blog.  I must admit, blogging is a great way to write obscurely but with the knowledge that at some point, someone may actually read what you post.  For insecure egoists like myself, this is the perfect publishing venue.

What has happened since I last wrote?  My husband and I have officially ended our relationship.  Ten weeks after not drinking and well into our reconciliation attempt, he decided to rent a hotel room in the next town from where his is currently staying with his brother, and he bought a bottle and drank.  He had planned this for an entire week.  He called me up at midnight one Friday, woke me, and he was clearly drunk.  I found it quite hard to believe that he did this.  He had just been telling his father that morning that he was so glad he had stopped drinking and that we were getting back together in November.  I am so glad I told him he had to remain sober for six months before I would reconcile.  He made it two and a half. 

On the ruse that he was giving his brother and sister-in-law "private" time, he chose to rent a hotel so he could drink without being stopped.  He called nobody to stop it from happening.  He didn't tip his cards until after he drank.  It really pisses me off that he chose the "Leaving Las Vegas" option over toughing it up and calling someone for help.  I hope that cowardice was worth the marriage for him.  I am not going to watch someone repeatedly tempt fate and see how many times they can get away with trying to die.  And I am certainly not going to risk my own life to help someone so bent on self-destruction.  I don't have that sort of power ;I give it to God.

When he called me at midnight, he denied being drunk, then acted like he couldn't hear me and hung up, and I remember lying in bed just praying that I would get clarification on this.  That voice that isn't really a voice said "Come on, Vickie.  You know he's been drinking.  It's ok.  Let me take it from here."  My husband called me three hours later to admit he was drinking.  I thanked him for telling me the truth, and shook my head, once again realizing that if you listen closely enough, God does indeed talk.  I spent the next day praying in a very silent house.  The relationship is done.  God needs to take care of him.  I can't.  I am only getting in the way of my husband's relationship with God, and I am his crutch.  Enough.

My husband seemed shocked by my next conversation with him.  "I am not angry. I wish you only the best.  If you still want to do Bible devotionals, I would like that, but I can't keep working on this marriage.  Your drinking is too much for me.  I don't want to watch you like a mother watches her child.  I will work with you to make this transition as smooth as possible." 

His response:  "Don't break up with me on the Lord's day"  Then a few days later, "Aren't you being kind of harsh?  I fell off the wagon once."

No.  I am not being harsh.  I am being real and honest.  I stayed in this marriage for six years, hoping against hope that you would sober up.  I tried everything I knew to help you.  I supported you.  I joined you.  I ignored you.  I yelled at you.  I comforted you.  I stuck by you when others said not to.  I endured you.  I was choked by your drunken ego.  I was cut down verbally by the drunk you for years.  I endured embarassing episodes in public on every vacation we went on, at every neighborhood get-together we were a part of, and many gatherings with friends.  But I forgave the drunk you when the real you returned. 

Unfortunately, the drunk you began showing up far more often than the real you.  I couldn't forget what happened each night before.  You couldn't remember.  The chasm is too deep to forgive yet again.  Now we would have to go another six months minimum apart before we could think about reconciling.  Better to let God help you and maybe this time, I will start listening to God about his plans for me.