No Hi Def for Me!

My trip home was amazing. Every member of my family was a joy to spend time with. While I could see where being closer would NOT be a good thing, this visit definitely was. I can sort of equate a visit like this to the difference between regular TV and Hi Def. You know how all the actors and actresses don't look quite as pretty on Hi Def because every facial flaw is obvious? That's the way I feel about being too close to family. Seeing them once in a while is phenomenal, but no need to put a microscope on our differences as they would overshadow the genuine Christmas spirit we all felt this holiday. I love them with all of my heart, and they me. No need to look at each wrinkle too closely.

I know that and am ever grateful to my brother for funding this trip. It simply would not have been possible had he not paid for it and let me stay at his house. It was initially really hard to humble myself and let him do this, but as my very best friend Jules pointed out, sometimes it is right to accept someone else's generosity. Don't rob them of their opportunity to feel good about helping out. So I gratefully accepted his generosity and have no words to tell him what an amazingly wonderful thing he did for me.


Mom



As a result, I was able to see my mom again who is in a rest home in Bremerton, Washington. She has multiple sclerosis and has been in the rest home for over 35 years. She is their longest living resident. When she found out she had MS, she had experimental brain surgery at the University of Washington to eliminate the tremors. I don't know how much she understands. She can't speak much anymore, but I feel like there is a lot more she understands that other in my family believe. I have been calling her and writing her on and off throughout the years, so seeing her in person after ten years was a really big deal to me.



Brother, Niece, and Mom



Mom, Niece, and Me



Her gift to me? She kissed me back. My brother was shocked as he didn't think she could do that. I believe that the contact I maintain with her has made a huge difference.  I plan to continue to do this, and I hope to go back to see her sooner this time.

I also got to see my grandmother who is now 93 or 94 years old. She lives with my aunt and uncle. She is an amazing matriarch whose signature saying while I grew up was "As long as you're happy." I think she is less accommodating with family members who do stupid things today, and I love that about her now. She calls it the way she sees it, but she loves each family member unconditionally. And trust me, some of us have made that a real challenge!



My youngest uncle and his friend; my grandma; my aunt

As an added bonus, I got to see my youngest uncle. He almost died of Hodgkin's disease last year. They were about to pull the plug, but God said not so fast. He is the family miracle, and I am so delighted. I used to follow him around as a kid. I started playing clarinet because he played it. He was only a few years older than me, so he was really like a big brother when I was growing up.

I got to see my dad who looks great. He is the same old dad, and he hasn't changed a bit. Because I have changed so much over the years, I have learned to accept him and admire him for all he has taught me. I can't imagine having raised two kids alone at such a young age and having a successful career (or several careers - he is one adventurous guy). He stepped up when many fathers would have left the scene after Mom got sick. I will always be grateful.



Dad

I also got to see Roxanne, one of my dad's former girlfriends, a sweet, caring individual who has raised a number of long term foster children. Her endlessly giving spirit was one of the reasons my brother sees her as a strong mother figure in his life, and I do believe who constant faith in him, that he would overcome his struggles was a big reason why he is doing well today. We spent one evening reminiscing about the restaurant she used to own and where I first worked as a waitress in a very ghetto section of Seattle called Ranier Valley. That restaurant deserves its own set of posts.
Finally, my brother and my niece. This was the first time I had met my niece. She is six years old and looks just like I did at her age. My whole family swears by this. She was a lot of fun, and my brother and I had the best time together we have ever had. I guess we have finally grown up and learned to appreciate one another. It sure took us long enough.

The trip forced me to examine my own tendencies to be hypercritical of those around me instead of recognizing we are all human and, yes - we all have flaws. But to concentrate on those flaws is a disservice to each human being. Instead, I choose to focus on the wonderful qualities each person brings to the table, that makes them unique and special. I think that is how God views each one of us, and I want to act the same way. Life is so much more wonderful when I celebrate each person's special, unique gifts instead of focusing on what I perceive as their flaws. Goodness knows, if people focus on my negative qualities only, I would have no friends!

Christmas Carols 2010 Style

My friend Jules wrote on her blog about creating new words for Christmas carols that were more befitting for Arizona, due to its weather challenged location when it comes to snow, sleighs, etc..  Sounds like fun, so here are my efforts. 

(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Credit Cards


Crawling on I-10

In an overheated car

Looking for the mall

So many miles afar.

 

Find a parking spot

Out past the man-made snow

Now I have to walk four miles

before I spend my dough!

 

Oh credit cards, credit cards

Please let your limits hold

so I can buy ties for Dad

For Mom, a ring of gold.

Credit cards, credit cards,

Keep your magnetic grip

Slide through machines easily

So I can shorten this trip.

 

All my presents bought

Wrapped beneath the fake, pre-lit, manufactured, really, really expensive Lowe's bought tree,

The family screaming epithets

at bad calls  and referees

 

The presents have been opened

Wrapping paper strewn about

When that first bill comes in the mail

I hope I don't pass out --

 

OHHH credit cards, credit cards

Time to pay you back
Guess I'm back to rice and beans

To get my budget back on track

Credit cards, credit cards,

I'm done using you,  I swear

Oh wait a sec - look- on sale -

Christmas underwear!

Thank you, Jules, for being my muse for this piece.  I hope you like it!

No Greater Love


I have new family this year - the people of Bethesda Community Church, a small church  of about 60 people who have shown me so much love without any strings attached, who demonstrate agape love endlessly because God taught them to do so.  They are truly the arms and legs of Jesus and are teaching me how to love others and myself in the same way.  Thank you, Bethesda!

The only other person who has shown me that sort of love is my dear friend, Julie Harris - someone who loves me unconditionally, repeatedly, and unabashedly just because I am.  She, too, knows God's grace.  She, too, has shared all she has with me and has never kept score.  I am honored she is my friend and my family as well.

As I prepare to see my biological family in a few days, I pray these powerful lessons of love given to me by both Julie and by Bethesda are well learned.  I choose to share the same sort of kindness on my trip,  pay it forward when I go home for the first time in ten years.  Butterflies?  A few, but I have never felt so whole, so complete in my 43 years of existence.  I feel ready to visit once again.  Why, because of God's Grace.  How appropriate!

Do Things Always Happen in 3's?


The phrase "nothing happens by chance" is often overused, but when I see how many people in my life are currently living parallel existences, it gives that tired, old saying new life and leaves me marvelling at how God works.

Without going into too much detail, for they all have the right to deal with their challenges privately without others' judgement or intrusion, three significant people  in my life have recently admitted they are alcoholics. 

Wow. 

The amazing thing is they are from completely different walks of life, yet are all wonderful, interesting, lovely people.  They care about others to a fault at times, are constantly striving to be their best selves, and they would undoubtedly give the shirts off their backs if you needed them. 

I used to go to AA regularly.  I thought I did have a problem with alcohol, and while I drank very heavily back then, it was not to get drunk.  It was to meet men.  Granted, I did get drunk and suffered many consequences as a result, but there is no doubt in my mind today that my true addiction back then was men.  Alcohol was just a bonus crutch.

Bars were an easy place to find men who lacked morals, and I wasn't looking for anybody who would actually have values - I didn't know how to do that.  Besides, I wouldn't have known what to do with that kind of a guy anyway, and he would have undoubtedly been too "boring" for me. 

No, I was looking for love the way I had seen it modeled by my dad because, quite frankly, that is all I knew.  You see, after my mother and he split, he had a string of women he dated that was longer than a strand of Christmas lights.  As I grew older, I played "secretary" for him and kept the exremely clingy ones at bay while he pursued the others.  I had no earthly idea what real love was, what it looked like, what it sounded like.  I certainly didn't understand the definition of love that the Bible belts out in I Corinthians:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  In fact, I thought the saying went like this:  Love is not patient, love is not kind.  It does envy, it does boast, it is proud.  And the guys I always ended up with - whether it be for an hour, night, or week, obviously shared my paradigm.

The paradigm shift took place after a particularly rowdy night. I was laying by my "friend's" pool and realized, through my hangover, I could no longer do this - the drinking.  I was done with it. I went to the next AA meeting (coincidentally, my father was in AA at the time) with my dad.  I got a sponsor.  I started to clean up.  I didn't take another drink until I met my most current ex-husband (if that doesn't tell you I had a problem picking men!) almost seven years later . . . And I didn't miss the alcohol at all, but God, how I missed the men.  My sponsor demanded I didn't date for a year. 

Not drink?  No problem!  No men?  AAAAGGGGHHHHH!  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!  I dropped her, and found a more understanding sponsor an easier sponsor -- and continued to mess up my life with loser men.  When I stopped hanging out in bars, I found it more difficult to meet the men necessary to feed my addiction, so I stopped dating lots of men and began to focus on just one loser at a time. But now, maybe - just maybe I am beginning to understand why I had to find God through the doors of AA.

While in AA, I recognized that I wasn't the center of the universe, that there was a power greater than me, that I was powerless over at least one thing and maybe more, and that the principals of AA might just be a decent blueprint for my life.  And it has been.   That little blue book led me to a God I didn't know before, one who demonstrated the love I had been seeking, real "not gonna take it back when I'm bored/tired/angry/lustful" love.  The stuff the Bible talks about.  

I still wouldn't name my spirituality for years, preferring to act superior to all those unintelligent sheep who blindly followed religion.  I was a thinker, too smart to be led around by the nose.  No, I was spiritual, not religious, thank you very much. 

But as I helped one alcoholic try to sober up, I finally let go of all my arrogance and self-importance and realized that fixing him was beyond my control.  I was powerless over his addictions and I turned everything over to Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit.  God saw to it that I safely detached from that relationship and is allowing the both of us to work on ourselves separately.


When the second person came to me recently, I still tried to be the "fixer", but I caught on a little quicker and realized that I am, once again, powerless over that person's addiction.  Instead, I have turned it over to God and do so, sometimes minute-by-minute.

Now that a third important person in my life has come to me, I immediately have given it over to God, and I feel some peace, some serenity, for I know that I have no power unless it comes through Jesus Christ.  I will pray for all of these people, offer help wherever I can without enabling.  It is imperative that I step out of the way and let God take the wheel and drive.



Maybe all that time in AA was meant to help me better understand the wonderful people in my life who are struggling with their own personal demons.  Maybe the time in AA was meant to help me understand I am no better, no worse than anybody else when it comes to addictions.  Maybe my time in AA was meant to teach me we all have addictions to all sorts of things.  Maybe it's all of the above and so much more. AlaNon might have helped me in the same way, but I really don't think I would truly understand and relate to these three people in the way that I now can had I not been heavily involved in the actual AA program.  There is no them/us mentality for me now - only a we're all in this together mentality for me.

What I am constantly amazed by is how orchestrated these "chance" events seem to be.  I will keep letting God be my guide.  It is inherently clear to me He knows exactly what He is doing, and He doesn't need my help for one cotton-pickin' minute.  He might use me, but He will tell me the appointed time and place.  All I need to do is listen and show up.  Pray for all those who struggle to let go and let God.  It seems so easy, but I know how hard it can be.

Christmas 2010

Christmas Season Begins with a Snowstorm

I have presents!

An Authentic Christmas Scene!

Ice Storm 2010 - Much easier to cope with than 2009's

Flash Frozen Decorative Pear Tree

Cozy inside - Memories on the Mantle of Happier Days with the Ex-Husband

(I prefer to remember those times!)

Educational Jargonese


OK -- I read The Bitchy Waiter last night and, once again, laughed my tail end off.  That
guy knows how to put a sarcastic spin on anything, and while I tend to be far more pollyannish about life (most of the time), it is extremely funny to read someone's prose who says what we have probably thought for years.  As a former waitress, I can relate to his many insights regarding the service industry.  It's why I couldn't hang in there for that kind of abuse.   Great Job, Bitchy Waiter.


I am enjoying yet another snow day.  I have a hunch there are many more to come this year.  With our school in such dire straits due to our inability to meet Annual Yearly Progress (We are  below the expected proficiencey-and, of course, the state raises the number of expected students at proficiency even though we didn't meet the last bar - so now we have to double and triple our kids' reading and writing skills by the end of the year.  Have you ever seen a kid who reads at a 3rd or 4th grade level increase his reading skills to 7th or 8th grade in 9 months?  If you have, PLEASE share your ideas.

 Example only

The only things that I see that truly help are small groups, one on one tutoring with instructors who truly know how to teach reading, regular practice at reading and summarizing, content teachers who focus on reading skills such as subheading, reading for a purpose, etc.  Oh yeah - it would really help if parents expected their children to read, do math, and write at home - but I digress into the areas of which I have little or no control.
(I already call three of my students nightly to ensure they are doing homework and going to bed at a decent hour, so I am trying)

We currently have targeted the students in 7th and 8th grade who are reading at least two levels below grade level but above a 3rd grade level, and they are in a class called Reading Revisited (heavy on the vocabulary with additional skills like main idea, details, etc. thrown in).  The students reading below a third grade level have been placed in classes that focus on more basic skills in the hopes we can raise their level to 3rd grade and get them into Reading Revisited.  Finally, at this ridiculously late date, we might be able to pay for a reading interventionist who will work will students below 3rd grade level for about 10 minutes a day to work on fluency using the Great Leaps program. (a good program and 10 minutes really does work if it's done daily)

With all this being said, the threat has been issued.  Increase the scores or lose the principal and half the staff (if the state can still afford to do that).  If that happens, I wonder where we will go.  Will we get hired by other schools facing the same sanctions?  Will we give up and draw unemployment?  Will we get hired on at Walmart and become greeters (That is undoubtedly my future job when I retire since I have no money - Ah but I digress yet again - sorry)

We were very "lucky" to get a highly specialized educator in our school this year.  She costs our school about $400.00 a day when she visits.  She spent the first two months telling us how much we sucked.  Then she shared ideas (with a hostile audience - and yes - I was one as I don't take too kindly to being told I don't know what I am doing after 16 years in the classroom - uhhh, my scores went up, not down - yes, my ego again, I know) that contradicted each other and therefore canceled each other out, and she still does that. 

Cases in point?  Use journals (1st meeting), don't use journals - teach to the test (next meeting), don't teach to the test - we need to look beyond the test if you will be successful with the new standards (last meeting).  AAARRRGGGHHHHH!

At any rate, I have come to the conclusion that, if I am truly reflective about what I teach and what my language arts team teaches, we will improve.  Ensuring that we teach only to standards, I create the summative assessment prior to instruction and use formative assessments to gage how well students are grasping the concepts, and  I design  congruent activities to teach students the student learning targets (more educational jargonese), then I am sure to improve their scores.

Sad thing is -- that's what I have always done!  OK, Bitchy Waiter, maybe some of your sarcasm has rubbed off on me just a little bit, although I could never write it the way you do.

Embrace your Jabberwocky!

Apparently, teaching Lewis Carroll's "The Jabberwocky" is rubbing off on me as of late.  If you didn't already know this, "Jabberwocky" was a part of Carroll's book Through the Looking Glass, sequel to Alice in Wonderland.

I am pretty sure that Lewis Carroll dabbled in hallucogenic drugs or was on the outer edges of senility.  Whether his state of mind was one he sought out or one the settled upon him with no outside assistance, you have to admire the way he didn't fight it, but instead embraced it.  I can sort of hear him saying, "What the heck.  I'm losing my mind.  Let's make it fun for everyone!  Just consider my jabberwocky in uffish thought as you rest by this here TumTum tree."

His writings created a entirely new lexicon from which to draw when you can't think of just the right word to fill in the blank.  In fact, the term "jabberwocky" is now a proud member of  Webster's finest and literally means "nonsense language".  I'm not kidding.  Go google it!

Anyway - sorry for the language arts lesson there - I haven't taught my students in almost a week now, and I am beginning to have withdrawals, which may explain my sudden fascination with Lewis Carroll's verbosity.  As a result, it seems that I have started, quite unintentionally,  my own personalized word list.  I hope this doesn't mean I am headed off to restaurant where I am the only diner, but if so, I hope I enjoy the ambience once there.

Here are a few (sorry bloggers, if I have already used them on your blogs).

1. restivities - noun - What you do before and after attending Christmas and New Year's Eve parties.
2. lootery  -  noun  - The winnings you receive from any lottery, raffle, contest, etc.
3. slinding  -  verb  -  what happens to you when you are casually walking along and hit a patch of ice. (I'm not going to lie. Slinding is painful.) 
4. electricide  - noun  -  murder by electricity bill (what many will suffer due to this cold snap - may God rest our souls.)

Well, I am about to venture forth into the brillig morning and see what new words I will encounter this day.  I hope they are friendly, unlike bandersnatches and Jubjub birds, but if not ... I will keep my vorpal sword close at hand and, snicker-snack, off with their prefixes!

Questions that Shape the Universe

I heard a great poem on NPR the other day where the author personified snow as terrorist who held people hostage in their homes.  Pretty unique perspective with which many in the midwest can relate, I am sure.  I wish I had written it.  It was great!

Since that sort of creativity has not yet struck in the midst of this snowstorm, I am left to ponder the more mundane:  How many snowflakes had to fall to create the four inch blanket outside my window?  What is causing the backed up traffic on the freeway that I can see through my naked trees?  Will we have school tomorrow?  How much discussion will there be tonight by those brilliant sportscasters about the Vikings losing their top during the snowstorm?

One thing for sure...there are few students on facebook clamoring for classes to resume...or teachers, for that matter.  We are all such grasshoppers, preferring to dance and sing today - never mind about tomorrow. 

As I sit here wasting time, I suppose I am no exception, although I did do a couple of things earlier that required some effort:  shoveled the walk, took the garbage to the road, packed the snow by drivng over it, checked to be sure the heater is on in the garage (The trek to the garage takes a lot more effort when trudging through snow drifts), and cleaned the house (this has done much for my mood - I am now calmer and more at peace). 

I should write up the language arts team notes from last week before long and look at the requirements for my portfolio entry for the national boards, but as the traffic's hypnotic rhythm (yes, the obstruction has been cleared - cars once again resume their steady pace), I revisit the most important question I pondered earlier.  Will we really have school tomorrow?

I think I will go make a cup of coffee and think about that some more.

That was Then - This is Now



My financial woes, like so many others have endured, have occupied my mind for quite some time, which is probably one reason why blogging seemed far too arduous a task.  However, on this cold, snowy Sunday morning, my muse is urging me to commemorate a moment of serenity as I look back on all those who have seen me through the last few months.  You see, I have been able to pay every bill, thanks to the generosity of others and some darn hard work on my part.

Finances seemed bleak at best when I last wrote about my impossible Walmart trip.  Apparently, that was a catalyst that helped to kick me in the hind quarters.  I dealt with some bills that had been hanging out there (namely the Consumer Credit Counseling Bill aquired by both my husband and myself.  Basic scenario - Husband quite triple digit job - Wife paid most of the bills while he went to real estate school - We downsized from a 1500 dollar a month mortgage to a 750 dollar mortgage - We both cashed in our retirement funds and lived on credit cards for awhile - - Husband let drinking overwhelm him resulting in violence - Husband moved to Minnesota - Wife was still paying all CCCS bill)  RESULT - Top Ramen, barely enough gas to get to work, and - yes - unable to pay for 56.00 dollars worth of groceries.

After screaming at God in my very cold back bedroom and giving up completely, things began to change.  I eliminated all non-essentials except my cable (I was really ready to do that, but  life soon changed - see the "This is Now" section).  I called CCCS  and explained the situation.  Now the bill is half of what I was paying.    I called the ex and humbled myself - no, I am not superwoman; I can't pay for everything and still keep the house.  Either we work together, or I file bankruptcy.  Ex stepped up to the plate and is now paying for his cards.  I called all the medical facilities who are billing me for my trip to emergency and got them to take 10.00 a month until I can do differently.  I reduced next years insurance as Tim now has a job and can have his company insure him. 

In short - I did everything I could think of to reduce my debt. 

That was then.

This is now.

My church wrote me a check for 150.00 dollars - a humbling moment, but I am learning to accept others' generosity when I need to.  I was able to pay the electric bill.  All of a sudden, things started falling into place.  I had worked every extra gig I could think of at school:  tutoring, Saturday school, SBDM member, Content Team Chairperson,  Leadership Team Member, KTIP Mentor...You name it, I worked it.  As a result, I received an additional 500.00 dollars on my last check. PHEW!  Amazing; I had given up finally, and now everything was working out.

To top it off, my district has decided to help teachers earn their national board certification - I had created a proposal for this several months ago and had been told to go get a loan since I would get 75% back anyway.  Needless to say, I was angry about that for a while.  But I let it go figuring if I was supposed to do this, God would let me know.  He did in a big way about three weeks ago when the same man who told me to go get a loan asked me to consider it; the district now had a way to fund it.  The odd thing is that their plan is just about the same one I proposed.  I was given credit for the ideas at the meeting I attended last week.  But I sort of wonder if God wasn't making a point.  He loves me simply because He loves me - not for who I am, not for what I 've done.  I have the opportunity to earn 4,000 additional each year if I pass this certification.  My cost will be $252.60 thanks to some scholarships offered by the district to those of us who attended the meeting.  Wow.  Now that is a God thing if I ever saw it.

Maybe I needed a good dose of humility.  I now have much more empathy for those who struggle to make ends meet.  I appreciate simple things like heat in the house, being able to pay for sodas I promised to my students, honoring my financial obligations for services rendered.  If I wasn't a Jesus Freak before, I sure am now.  I know He will lift me up if I just let go.  He keeps on teaching me this lesson.  I don't want to take control today and hopefully I won't want to tomorrow.  In good times and bad, God's there and He has a purpose.  My job is just to keep the faith and praise his name every chance I get.