There is no question in my mind that God is powerfully present in my life. Little God moments occur daily for me now. Julie tipped me off to those types of occurrences long before I ever experienced them what with her doorbell ringing angels, but it seems they occur daily for me now, too, although they don't really manifest themselves in the same way. Take for instance last night's God moment.
I was sharing with Julie the Bible devotion that my husband and I shared over the phone earlier. This is our attempt to build a foundation for a possible reconciliation in God's word. It referred to Luke 2:8 and pointed out that God uses the lowly, the downtrodden, the weak to spread his message because they are so much more accessible to everyday man than those who are nearing perfection. I love that message because it shows me how much God loves all of us no matter what, a concept that took me a really long time to get.
Anyway, I was telling Julie about the devotional when I wandered over to my computer. Tim had e-mailed a scanned copy of it to me! Wow! How odd to have just been talking about it and to have it show up in my in box. Here's one more irony to add to the mix. It turns out Tim read the wrong devotional last night. That one was supposed to be today's devotional, but it was the perfect message on the perfect day for me. Amazing.
While I am sure many people will chalk all of these things up to "coincidence" just as I used to, I can't help wondering how so many coincidences occur so frequently. I have also noticed that when I pray for those who request it, it seems those people share amazing stories of success over illness or circumstances. Maybe it's coincidence, but I sure seem to have a lot of coincidences occurring if that is all there is to it.
I can see how God's mercy and grace has turned Tim around. To hear of him speak about God so happily, so joyously, so freely is truly miraculous. He unabashed love for Jesus has transformed his entire demeanor. Gone is his sarcasm and cynicism of the world and the people who inhabit it. He seems flooded with gratitude for his sobriety, his newfound faith, his family, and for me. It is a good start. I hadn't intended on ever giving him another chance, and then all these "coincidences" began.
After the violent episode and Tim's leaving the state, I had prayed consistently that God would help Tim overcome alcoholism, help him own his behaviors and accept responsiblity for them, help him forgive himself and see how valuable a person he is. I prayed that Tim would accept Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior. I prayed that Tim would seek out counseling for his alcoholism and his childhood issues. Every single one of these has come true, and I didn't tell Tim about any of these expectations.
The "coincidence" that blew me away the most and caused me to search out God's message concerning possible reconciliation was when Tim told me he was seeing his pastor regarding personal childhood issue (sexual abuse). I literally got a cold chill that ran down my body when he said that because that is something he used to so adamantly refuse to do, to the point where I figured it would never happen. To him an unprompted admission that he was willingly seeking out this as an option froze me in place. I thanked God that night and asked him to guide me, to show me His will for me. That is how Tim and I have started to read the Bible together nightly and pray. I absolutely feel a new bond with Tim that I have never had before. He isn't pushing for a time frame on reconciliation - understands it might be months, years, maybe never. But he continues to seek out God's will for him.
If I am seeking God's will and Tim does the same, I have no doubt in my mind that God's intentions will be carried out. I am not wondering which Tim I am talking to on the phone anymore. He humbly accepts that there are consequences for his previous actions and vows to follow God's will no matter what that is.
If this conversion both Tim and I have experienced is insanity, then I will happily remain insane. I have never felt so much joy, love, happiness while alone in my entire life. I feel God around me all the time. This is what I never understood before and finally am lucky enough to experience, and I gotta tell 'ya. It's awesome beyond words.
Coincidence? Nope...I think it's God Incidents!
Showing posts with label Bible. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bible. Show all posts
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Kissing Chaos*
It is amazing how we humans choose chaos over peace and serenity so frequently. How many of us choose people that are simply no good for us because of a "feeling"? When asked why we choose them, the most common response is "I love him/her" or "The chemistry we share is amazing" or "I didn't think (insert flaw here) was that big a deal" or "I thought he/she would change". I have uttered all these blinding phrases at several points in my own life. Each significant man in my life made me "feel" a certain way. I stayed with a guy until PEP (pain exceeded pleasure). Sometimes pain was emotional; occasionally, as in the last relationship, it was physical.
My point is that I didn't have to go through all that pain, and had I been following God's principals, so clearly laid out in any holy book - mine being the Bible (most religions share the same tenets which explains spiritual universality), I could have clearly avoided so many of life's "punch in the gut" moments. I chose not to follow these basic precepts and, as a result, my life was filled with needless chaos for many years.
For example, my husband - let's call him Bruce since he always referred back to his Glory not realizing that he had no need to impress me or anyone else for that matter. He was a fine person without all the bravado, or could be when he wasn't drinking.
Anyway, Bruce told me the first time I met him in person that he loved to drink and asked me if I had a problem with that. I had been six years without a drop and had seen my father's life turned inside out by the almight Chivas Regal. I myself had spent far too many mornings of my own regretting choices made while partying at the local bar. Those choices often involved male strangers in my bed and horrendous hangovers. Both are not welcome visitors when the sun is shining in through your bedroom skylight. Yet I chose to tell "Bruce" that his drinking was fine as long as it didn't impact me. What a prescient statement that would be.
Now, my previous relationship had been with a man who used to have two gin and tonics nightly, never a drop more or less. His mood didn't change (he was always indifferent to me - but that's a completely different story that is also sadly amusing), so I guess I was used to that kind of a drinker. My blindness had already occurred.
At first, Bruce didn't overindulge...much. Silly, silly me. Now mind you, I had been aware that he had been a partyer in the past, all those backstage Betties we talked about when he played in bands in his late teens/early twenties. We had had many conversations late into the night over the phone where I had blindly assumed his silliness was due to being tired from 12 or 14 hour shifts and yes, a couple of drinks loosened him up. But he kept the overindulgence to a minimum while I was there and had most of the time on the phone as well. This is another reason why you shouldn't "fall in love" with someone in another state without spending some get to know you time in person. People put on their best faces for each other...Duh...I know...
I started to realize how much he drank after I moved all my things to Nebraska to be with him. We were planning our wedding and I was filled with all sorts of possibilities for the future. Again there is that blindness. I didn't have a close relationship with God at this time. Had I, I probably would have read those passages that talk about the foolishness of a drunkard. But then again, we wouldn't have been living together either. There were a whole lot of things that wouldn't have happened.
I kept excusing the behaviors; after all he was a successful businessman, smart, well-respected by others in his field. I was uptight about drinking. He was funny when he drank - most of the time. He was just relaxing. I was the world's best enabler, and I had moved across the country to marry this man; I wasn't about to admit I might be wrong. And...I didn't have a close relationship with God yet to help me see the truth.
Wedding plans were made and in a few months we were officially married - in Vegas (go figure - a drunk's favorite hangout for sure). There had been so many reasons not to do this, but I ignored them all. The trip from Phoenix to Nebraska, the drunken evenings in Nebraska, the insane behavior after the wedding brought on by rum and cokes. But the way I saw it now, there was no going back. As a result, I figured I owed to this marriage to try. Besides, when sober Bruce returned each morning he was amazing, the guy I had fallen in love with.
And try I did. We moved from Nebraska to Virginia to Kentucky supposedly to further his career (although they were really lateral moves, looking back), each time leaving a school where I began to fit in pieces of my life were once again falling in place.
Drunks love geographical moves. It prevents them from feeling the effects of poor decisions made to others in their jobs that way. When Bruce spoke of moving yet again, I put my foot down. This would have been the fifth move for me to another state in four years, so he chose to change careers. This was the beginning of the end, and his drinking increased while his self-worth decreased. I tried to be supportive, but nothing worked. He tried every other kind of change he could since I had eliminated the geographical kind. Everything, that is except quitting drinking.
In the end, he chose alcohol with a resoundingly clear action..His attempt to choke me made it painfully obvious that I couldn't help Bruce - only God and Bruce could help Bruce. The fact I got away that day fairly intact proves to me that God chose to intervene on my behalf, and on Bruce's behalf as any further violence could have had far more devastating effects for the both of us. Just last a week a woman was killed by her husband here in Kentucky who then killed himself. There had a been a domestic violence order placed on the man; she hadn't left; he had a gun; Two lives are now over and many more are impacted.
But you see, I started praying to God, letting God take over and direct my life; as a result, amazing changes have occurred in a miraculously short period of time. The domestic violence order was put in effect, Bruce chose to move away rather than face the consequences (something he had been yearning to do for years and hadn't because I wouldn't leave), and my life is falling into place again. I am not saying God wants to see marriages end. I am saying that I wasn't a Christian when I married Bruce and I am now; I was willing to stay with him because of the vows except for two things; adultery or violence. Bruce knew that. What's ironic is that apparently Bruce has already been with someone else. How crazy is that. We have only been apart for less than a month.
So here we are. Two people now apart. Bruce has supposedly accepted Jesus and is now going to church twice a week. I am happy for him and sincerely pray that he will successfully kick alcohol to the curb. I can't do that, but God can, so if he is serious about this, I know Bruce will be fine. And I am happy about that, but sorry that I enabled the behaviors for so long. Once I gave my life to Christ, I couldn't turn a blind eye any longer. Funny how that happens.
What I do know for sure is if I had been walking with God the way I am today, talking to him, letting him be my best friend, I seriously doubt I would have had to go through all the pain I did. What is great is I get it now. This life is no longer about me because I choose, and very willingly, to do things for God's glory, not my own. Since I have begun to do that, my life has been filled with peace, serenity, and happiness. What an amazing gift I have received.
* Title was borrowed from picture above -
My point is that I didn't have to go through all that pain, and had I been following God's principals, so clearly laid out in any holy book - mine being the Bible (most religions share the same tenets which explains spiritual universality), I could have clearly avoided so many of life's "punch in the gut" moments. I chose not to follow these basic precepts and, as a result, my life was filled with needless chaos for many years.
For example, my husband - let's call him Bruce since he always referred back to his Glory not realizing that he had no need to impress me or anyone else for that matter. He was a fine person without all the bravado, or could be when he wasn't drinking.
Anyway, Bruce told me the first time I met him in person that he loved to drink and asked me if I had a problem with that. I had been six years without a drop and had seen my father's life turned inside out by the almight Chivas Regal. I myself had spent far too many mornings of my own regretting choices made while partying at the local bar. Those choices often involved male strangers in my bed and horrendous hangovers. Both are not welcome visitors when the sun is shining in through your bedroom skylight. Yet I chose to tell "Bruce" that his drinking was fine as long as it didn't impact me. What a prescient statement that would be.
Now, my previous relationship had been with a man who used to have two gin and tonics nightly, never a drop more or less. His mood didn't change (he was always indifferent to me - but that's a completely different story that is also sadly amusing), so I guess I was used to that kind of a drinker. My blindness had already occurred.
At first, Bruce didn't overindulge...much. Silly, silly me. Now mind you, I had been aware that he had been a partyer in the past, all those backstage Betties we talked about when he played in bands in his late teens/early twenties. We had had many conversations late into the night over the phone where I had blindly assumed his silliness was due to being tired from 12 or 14 hour shifts and yes, a couple of drinks loosened him up. But he kept the overindulgence to a minimum while I was there and had most of the time on the phone as well. This is another reason why you shouldn't "fall in love" with someone in another state without spending some get to know you time in person. People put on their best faces for each other...Duh...I know...
I started to realize how much he drank after I moved all my things to Nebraska to be with him. We were planning our wedding and I was filled with all sorts of possibilities for the future. Again there is that blindness. I didn't have a close relationship with God at this time. Had I, I probably would have read those passages that talk about the foolishness of a drunkard. But then again, we wouldn't have been living together either. There were a whole lot of things that wouldn't have happened.
I kept excusing the behaviors; after all he was a successful businessman, smart, well-respected by others in his field. I was uptight about drinking. He was funny when he drank - most of the time. He was just relaxing. I was the world's best enabler, and I had moved across the country to marry this man; I wasn't about to admit I might be wrong. And...I didn't have a close relationship with God yet to help me see the truth.
Wedding plans were made and in a few months we were officially married - in Vegas (go figure - a drunk's favorite hangout for sure). There had been so many reasons not to do this, but I ignored them all. The trip from Phoenix to Nebraska, the drunken evenings in Nebraska, the insane behavior after the wedding brought on by rum and cokes. But the way I saw it now, there was no going back. As a result, I figured I owed to this marriage to try. Besides, when sober Bruce returned each morning he was amazing, the guy I had fallen in love with.
And try I did. We moved from Nebraska to Virginia to Kentucky supposedly to further his career (although they were really lateral moves, looking back), each time leaving a school where I began to fit in pieces of my life were once again falling in place.
Drunks love geographical moves. It prevents them from feeling the effects of poor decisions made to others in their jobs that way. When Bruce spoke of moving yet again, I put my foot down. This would have been the fifth move for me to another state in four years, so he chose to change careers. This was the beginning of the end, and his drinking increased while his self-worth decreased. I tried to be supportive, but nothing worked. He tried every other kind of change he could since I had eliminated the geographical kind. Everything, that is except quitting drinking.
In the end, he chose alcohol with a resoundingly clear action..His attempt to choke me made it painfully obvious that I couldn't help Bruce - only God and Bruce could help Bruce. The fact I got away that day fairly intact proves to me that God chose to intervene on my behalf, and on Bruce's behalf as any further violence could have had far more devastating effects for the both of us. Just last a week a woman was killed by her husband here in Kentucky who then killed himself. There had a been a domestic violence order placed on the man; she hadn't left; he had a gun; Two lives are now over and many more are impacted.
But you see, I started praying to God, letting God take over and direct my life; as a result, amazing changes have occurred in a miraculously short period of time. The domestic violence order was put in effect, Bruce chose to move away rather than face the consequences (something he had been yearning to do for years and hadn't because I wouldn't leave), and my life is falling into place again. I am not saying God wants to see marriages end. I am saying that I wasn't a Christian when I married Bruce and I am now; I was willing to stay with him because of the vows except for two things; adultery or violence. Bruce knew that. What's ironic is that apparently Bruce has already been with someone else. How crazy is that. We have only been apart for less than a month.
So here we are. Two people now apart. Bruce has supposedly accepted Jesus and is now going to church twice a week. I am happy for him and sincerely pray that he will successfully kick alcohol to the curb. I can't do that, but God can, so if he is serious about this, I know Bruce will be fine. And I am happy about that, but sorry that I enabled the behaviors for so long. Once I gave my life to Christ, I couldn't turn a blind eye any longer. Funny how that happens.
What I do know for sure is if I had been walking with God the way I am today, talking to him, letting him be my best friend, I seriously doubt I would have had to go through all the pain I did. What is great is I get it now. This life is no longer about me because I choose, and very willingly, to do things for God's glory, not my own. Since I have begun to do that, my life has been filled with peace, serenity, and happiness. What an amazing gift I have received.
* Title was borrowed from picture above -
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