Kissing Chaos*

It is amazing how we humans choose chaos over peace and serenity so frequently.  How many of us choose people that are simply no good for us because of a "feeling"?  When asked why we choose them, the most common response is "I love him/her" or "The chemistry we share is amazing" or  "I didn't think (insert flaw here) was that big a deal" or "I thought he/she would change".  I have uttered all these blinding phrases at several points in my own life.  Each significant man in my life made me "feel" a certain way.  I stayed with a guy until PEP (pain exceeded pleasure).  Sometimes pain was emotional; occasionally, as in the last relationship, it was physical.

My point is that I didn't have to go through all that pain, and had I been following God's principals, so clearly laid out in any holy book - mine being the Bible (most religions share the same tenets which explains spiritual universality), I could have clearly avoided so many of life's "punch in the gut" moments.  I chose not to follow these basic precepts and, as a result, my life was filled with needless chaos for many years.

For example, my husband - let's call him Bruce since he always referred back to his Glory not realizing that he had no need to impress me or anyone else for that matter.  He was a fine person without all the bravado, or could be when he wasn't drinking. 

Anyway, Bruce told me the first time I met him in person that he loved to drink and asked me if I had a problem with that.  I had been six years without a drop and had seen my father's life turned inside out by the almight Chivas Regal.  I myself had spent far too many mornings of my own regretting choices made while partying at the local bar.  Those choices often involved male strangers in my bed and horrendous hangovers.  Both are not welcome visitors when the sun is shining in through your bedroom skylight.  Yet I chose to tell "Bruce" that his drinking was fine as long as it didn't impact me.  What a prescient statement that would  be. 

Now, my previous relationship had been with a man who used to have two gin and tonics nightly, never a drop more or less.  His mood didn't change (he was always indifferent to me - but that's a completely different story that is also sadly amusing), so I guess I was used to that kind of a drinker.  My blindness had already occurred.

At first, Bruce didn't overindulge...much. Silly, silly me.  Now mind you, I had been aware that he had been a partyer in the past, all those backstage Betties we talked about when he played in bands in his late teens/early twenties.  We had had many conversations late into the night over the phone where I had blindly assumed his silliness was due to being tired from 12 or 14 hour shifts and yes, a couple of drinks loosened him up.  But he kept the overindulgence to a minimum while I was there and had most of the time on the phone as well.  This is another reason why you shouldn't "fall in love" with someone in another state without spending some get to know you time in person.  People put on their best faces for each other...Duh...I know...

I started to realize how much he drank after I moved all my things to Nebraska to be with him.  We were planning our wedding and I was filled with all sorts of possibilities for the future.  Again there is that blindness.  I didn't have a close relationship with God at this time.  Had I, I probably would have read those passages that talk about the foolishness of a drunkard.  But then again, we wouldn't have been living together either.  There were a whole lot of things that wouldn't have happened.

I kept excusing the behaviors; after all he was a successful businessman, smart, well-respected by others in his field.  I was uptight about drinking.  He was funny when he drank - most of the time.  He was just relaxing.  I was the world's best enabler, and I had moved across the country to marry this man; I wasn't about to admit I might be wrong.  And...I didn't have a close relationship with God yet to help me see the truth. 

Wedding plans were made and in a few months we were officially married - in Vegas (go figure - a drunk's favorite hangout for sure).  There had been so many reasons not to do this, but I ignored them all.  The trip from Phoenix to Nebraska, the drunken evenings in Nebraska, the insane behavior after the wedding brought on by rum and cokes.  But the way I saw it now, there was no going back.  As a result, I figured I owed to this marriage to try.  Besides, when sober Bruce returned each morning he was amazing, the guy I had fallen in love with.

And try I did.  We moved from Nebraska to Virginia to Kentucky supposedly to further his career (although they were really lateral moves, looking back), each time leaving a school where I began to fit in  pieces of my life were once again falling in place.

Drunks love geographical moves.  It prevents them from feeling the effects of poor decisions made to others in their jobs that way.  When Bruce spoke of moving yet again, I put my foot down.  This would have been the fifth move for me to another state in four years, so he chose to change careers. This was the beginning of the end, and his drinking increased while his self-worth decreased.  I tried to be supportive, but nothing worked.  He tried every other kind of change he could since I had eliminated the geographical kind.  Everything, that is except quitting drinking. 

In the end, he chose alcohol with a resoundingly clear action..His attempt to choke me made it painfully obvious that I couldn't help Bruce - only God and Bruce could help Bruce.  The fact I got away that day fairly intact proves to me that God chose to intervene on my behalf, and on Bruce's behalf as any further violence could have had far more devastating effects for the both of us.  Just last a week a woman was killed by her husband here in Kentucky who then killed himself.  There had a been a domestic violence order placed on the man; she hadn't left; he had a gun; Two lives are now over and many more are impacted. 

But you see, I started praying to God, letting God take over and direct my life; as a result, amazing changes have occurred in a miraculously short period of time.  The domestic violence order was put in effect, Bruce chose to move away rather than face the consequences (something he had been yearning to do for years and hadn't because I wouldn't leave), and my life is falling into place again.  I am not saying God wants to see marriages end.  I am saying that I wasn't a Christian when I married Bruce and I am now; I was willing to stay with him because of the vows except for two things; adultery or violence.  Bruce knew that.  What's ironic is that apparently Bruce has already been with someone else.  How crazy is that.  We have only been apart for less than a month.

So here we are.  Two people now apart.  Bruce has supposedly accepted Jesus and is now going to church twice a week.  I am happy for him and sincerely pray that he will successfully kick alcohol to the curb.  I can't do that, but God can, so if he is serious about this, I know Bruce will be fine.  And I am happy about that, but sorry that I enabled the behaviors for so long.  Once I gave my life to Christ, I couldn't turn a blind eye any longer.  Funny how that happens.

What I do know for sure is if I had been walking with God the way I am today, talking to him, letting him be my best friend, I seriously doubt I would have had to go through all the pain I did.  What is great is I get it now.  This life is no longer about me because I choose, and very willingly, to do things for God's glory, not my own. Since I have begun to do that, my life has been filled with peace, serenity, and happiness.  What an amazing gift I have received.

*  Title was borrowed from picture above -