Trash Talk is No Longer a Panacea


God has definitely been giving me ample opportunity to check my tongue at the door these past few weeks, and I have a hunch He will give me many more opportunities to get it right in the coming days, weeks, months, and years because I know I still haven't yet learned not to trash talk others when I feel maligned.  It is hard for me to write this, and definitely not something I am proud of owning up to, yet I am beginning to see that when I feel someone has hurt me, my first tendency is to walk away wounded and slander them until the cows come home to any willing, or not so willing listener/victim.  A much more mature reaction would be to shut my mouth, think about my response for a day or so, and either say something if it was really all that necessary to do, or forgive as Jesus would have.  Sheesh, what a tall order!  

It used to be so much fun to rip people up one side and down the other before I was saved.  I felt validated.  Justified.  Vindicated.  I have done this for years.  I think I developed this passive/aggressive behavior as a child.  It was a ways to cope with my father, who at that time, was not one who wanted me to be honest when I felt hurt.  It was much easier to talk bad about him to others who would commiserate and feel my pain.  In my eyes, I was that martyr who put up with so much. 

Later in life, it was easy to practice that same pattern if a co-worker, friend, student, or boss hurt my feelings.  Trash talk them and lower them below my stature.  This made me feel better about myself in some way, as if their actions weren't as hurtful because I had verbally torn them down and they were not nearly as important to me; therefore, they couldn't hurt me.  Also, I didn't have to be mature and confront them with my feelings.  It felt a little weird when I had to talk to them again, but I was able to live with that.

Now, when I behave this way, I still feel validation, justification, and vindication - for a much shorter time - then I feel convicted (not in a guilt ridden way, in a God cuffing me up side the head in a "What are you doing?  Is this agape love?" sort of way).  I no longer feel vindication, but instead I feel remorse as I think about how wronged Jesus was each day by human beings, and yet he still gave his own life so I could make stupid mistakes like these and still be forgiven.  Now, instead of justification, I realize that this is one of the behaviors I often ridiculed self-proclaimed Christians for was a big reason I stayed away from God so long.  Finally, I feel humility as I realize much God must love us to have given his Son up for us because he knew we would keep being knotheads!  How he continues to love me is beyond me, yet he just does.  How unbelievably amazing.  I pray that God continues to remind me with taps on my consciense and pangs in my heart whenever I fall into this old, rather destructive habit.  I would prefer to be proud of my actions, not feel crappy about them! 

I have actually refrained from this behavior a couple of times, and while it doesn't give me the immediate rush of unloading my hurt and "getting even", I do feel good about the fact I exhibited self-control. Regardless of how many times I low it, I will keep working on this, for if I do, I am sure to improve in this area.  It's that or say ouch a lot as God puts me in check.  Those who don't learn are destined to repeat the same behavior.  I am choosing to act differently!