Birthday Meltdown

Today is my husband's birthday.  Well, I guess he is legally still my husband, but he is now living in Minnesota.  I guess we are legally separated, but he sure sounds like he's enjoying life in Minnesota and I seriously doubt he will want to return to Kentucky.  I have no intention of moving yet again for him.  Anyway, today is his birthday.  I was looking through some of my old scribblings and found the following frustrated personal narrative about last year's birthday.  It explains to me why I am  very happy about living by myself:




6/24/2009


The hardest decision I have ever made in my life is staying married. Each day seems to bring new struggles. It doesn't seem like that warm, fuzzy togetherness feeling I craved when I first got married stayed for very long. Instead, I am always bending to his will. If done right, marriage seems to be the biggest self-sacrifice. The question is – is it worth it? Dealing with someone else’s moods, their past, their present, their addictions, their baggage becomes draining. And that’s exactly how this summer is starting to make me feel – drained. All the reenergizing I usually do each summer has been replaced by his needs, his wants, his desires, his insecurities.


Case in point -  so far this summer, I have been on call 24/7 to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault he was sexually abused, he shouldn’t feel ashamed that he felt sexual desire when being abused, and at the same time, I am supposed to fulfill his voracious sexual appetite which was undoubtedly sparked by these female predators. Thanks a lot, you wolves!

I also, am supposed to forgive him for all of his drunken outbursts and mood swings, many of which he doesn’t seem to remember the next day. When I bring them up as he wanted me to do if he ever took the drinking too far, he looks completely bewildered. I am cursed nightly when I choose to go to bed instead of continuing to endure his nightly drunken rants, then expected to be all warm and fuzzy the next morning and fulfill his sexual needs.

I took his birthday seriously today. I got the present he wanted, created a card from the cats complete with paw prints, and got a card the calls him a sexual dynamo. Then I created a gift certificate good for one fantasy to be fulfilled since that has been his latest concern – watching porn with me. I was ready to sexually be on overdrive, and put myself into a zone of “it’s not about you today…It’s all about your husband.”

My fuck-up? Not getting him the cake he desired. Since the stomach surgery, I knew he couldn’t eat much sugar, so I perused the aisles of the local Walmart for some type of ice cream cake. That wasn’t to be found, but I did find a brownie you cook in the microwave that came with a nice dollop of ice cream smothered in caramel, pecans, and chocolate chips. Perfect, I thought. This won’t be more than he can handle, there won’t be in of Baskin-Robbins’ suicide ice cream cake around, and this only costs $2.25, which is within our budget this year.

The time arrived for cake. Was he happy? Nooooo. Was he an ass? Yesssss. Oh my God! “Why are you putting it in the microwave? This shit is hot! I hate hot cake with ice cream. You should have gone to Baskin-Robbins… “ Grumble, grumble, grumble…I decided to let it slide…no point in continuing the problem. Ignore it – Never mind that my feeling are crushed. The night continues without incident. End of story, right? Wrong.

The next evening, he tells me he dug the fucking brownie out of the garbage and it’s rock fucking hard. What the fuck was I doing cooking it for a year and half in the microwave. I crack. It’s not his birthday anymore and he is being a self-centered dickhead.

“Jeez, honey…I apologize. It’s the one fucking mistake I made on your birthday. Sorry. Next year, I won’t get anything else but an ice cream cake.”

He gets upset with my response, says I am PMS’ing and goes to bed…at 6 PM. That pissed me off, so I drove all the way to fucking Baskin Robbins, spent 18.00 on a stupid ass cake and came back home. I breathe so that I can be calm going in….OH, also, when I come back out of the store, my stupid car decides not to start (something about a sylenoid in the starter….there another $300.00 gone). Car starts, I drive home, and walk in with the cake, put it in the fucking freezer, go into the bedroom, ask him if he wants the cake….HE SAYS NO! ARGHHHHHH! And he says I am fucking moody?

Marriage is give and take they say…I say it’s all give….Yes, I know he undoubtedly feels the same about me. How do you bridge the gap and focus only on another without completely losing your fucking mind? I have yet to figure that out, so don’t be surprised if one day as you are exiting the freeway into some little town, you find me in rags holding up a sign asking you if you have seen my mind. Each day of marriage seems to be a struggle. I just don’t get how something that was done in the name of love becomes so overwhelming.

Upon reflection, I can clearly see that this marriage was crumbling long before this last May.  Re-reading this clearly shows me why I don't feel the desire to continue this marriage.  It was the hardest thing I ever did staying married for six years to this man.  My self-confidence was attacked on a regular basis.  I did exhibit an incredible amount of patience and a lack of selfishness regardless of the hubby's take on things.  The saddest part is all that "giving in" I did only served to make me a doormat and he took advantage of that.  Unfortunately, all the "nice" behavior I exhibited only enabled his drinking.  When God told me (and I heard it loud and clear inside of me) "This is not your deal" when I prayed about Tim's drinking, I can now see what He meant.  Everything I did only helped my husband make excuses and feel sorry for himself.  Had I left as I did in March, maybe he would have stopped, maybe he wouldn't have, but I wouldn't have been around to allow the behavior. 

I called him last night to wish him a Happy Birthday.  We have been able to talk in a friendly way since he has moved.  He has accepted Jesus and goes to church with his brother twice a week.  He has completed stopped drinking (it's been about 4 weeks now).  He has already gotten his real estate license and was offered a job managing several real estate offices.  His life appears to be very on track now.  I feel that he and I are starting to distance ourselves.  He knows I have no intention of moving again (I already moved four times in six years for him), and I seriously doubt he will move back here, so the marriage is probably over.  I really don't know if I could ever accept him as my husband again after that scary choking incident.  But it's so nice to hear him excited about life and starting to work towards goals again. I am so happy for him, and I am so happy for me.  There are worse things that could happen than for both of us to live happy productive live serving Jesus Christ separately.  God's plans/interventions are truly amazing, and they deepen my faith substantially.

I am so glad to be by myself right now.  I have never felt this good with living alone.  Maybe this is truly the first time I like me.   Or maybe it is because God is always with me now.  I do know that every night is pure bliss, calm and peaceful and filled with joy.