Well, I finally had to block my ex's e-mails (Thanks, Jules, for your objective wisdom in this matter). I can no longer read his drunken nonsense. Tonight's final episode will be just that -- the last.
It all started a few days ago. I got a one line e-mail that stated "I think I am about to get fired".
The last time we spoke a month or so ago, we had created an agreement regarding some credit card debt we were cleaning up. We had struck a deal with Consumer Credit Counseling before splitting up. After he had left the state in a hurry to avoid having to go to court over domestic violence (I can't even believe I am writing this in first person! It feels like the plot line from the Lifetime Movie Channel!), we developed a respectful tone with one another. He was working again, and he appeared to be moving ahead with his life. Occasionally we talked -- Our would have been 7th anniversary, an occasional How's the Weather e-mail...nothing too intense, and that was working for me.
Then the bills began to pile up. I realized I had taken on all of the debt except his car and the lawn mower I still had in the garage, and I was sinking into poverty fast. At the time, it seemed easier to take on the debt if he would just go away.
After having to go to the emergency room and racking up over $1000.00 in emergency bills and having the car break down, I accepted that I couldn't pay his bills as well as mine. I called CCC to see what could be done. They said we could separate his debt from mine which would lower my payment to 250 - less than half of what I was currently paying. I called him with their number.
He hit the roof, said I had everything - at least $30,000 dollars worth of stuff in the house which belonged to him, not to mention the house
(By the way, I bought the house and have paid the mortgage ever since we have had it, but because we are married, it is partially his unless he signs a quit claim deed)
to which I hit the roof and said had he not almost choked me to death and left the state that we wouldn't be having this discussion.
A little later he called me back, and agreed to send me most of the money that was his half of the CCC debt, and I would continue to pay the full amount. I had the option to cut his debt free and I didn't do it. I sure wish I had done that then.
Since the drunken anniversary call, I hadn't really heard from him, and I was settling into my workaholic routine quite nicely. The ex sent his almost half of the debt for one month, and I had hope that we were treating each other fairly and kindly and moving forward with our separate lives.
Then I got that one line e-mail - "I think I am about to get fired."
I was a bit shocked. This man has never been fired - he always quits jobs because he gets bored or feels he is undervalued. But fired? Momentarily, I thought of my money situation and then shook that from my mind. How callous of me. How was he? Do I respond? How do I respond? So I e-mailed back: So sorry! What happened? I'll pray for you. Call if you want.
Now that had to be the all time dumbest thing I could ever have e-mailed back. My dear friend Jules has metaphorically shaken me through the phone, and rightfully so! How could I fall for the feel sorry for me routine once again? But I did.
My reward for that phone call was a drunken spiel about how he had rescued a co-worker from a snowbank because she had called at two in the morning saying her husband would literally KILL her if he knew about this. So, even he had a couple of beers (whatever that means) he drove to pick her up and took her to his place to stay overnight out of the kindness of his heart. Then he stayed up all night talking with her - but there was nothing sexual (like I even care!) and he called in the next day because he had been up all night. They unfairly fired him, he stated, because his boss said this woman has been in an abusive relationship for over 14 years and that's why they have Human Resource department. So the ex shouts back that he was helping someone and if that was worth firing him, then so be it. HUH?????
At any rate, after I heard the whole story, I asked him why he is still drinking. Of course, that was the craziest thing I could have ever said, according to him...The conversation deteriorated from there. He proceeded to ask me again if there was any chance for us to get back together (I told him no), then attempted to serenade me with songs he had once sung to me. Mercifully, I was saved by one of my girlfriends who was returning my call from earlier, so I wished him well and told him I had to go.
Then I got other e-mails where it was clear the alcohol was taking over once again - ones where he called himself evil, etc. I wrote back saying he wasn't evil. He was saved by God, so he couldn't be. If they don't fire him, I hoped he would quit drinking, and if they did fire him, I hoped he would quit drinking. Then he responded that those were better words written than any song he had ever penned.
He then texted (there's another darn 20 cents of mine he wasted!) that he was sending the money he owed a little late because he wanted to see how much his final check would be.
Then -- the piece de resistance ... This e-mail:
Friday, January 21, 2011 1:58 AM (Yep, I'm guessing he was drinking and e-mailing yet again)
It has taken me 8 months to work the courage to write this because i alwas revered you more than you will ever know. I have had over 40 employees and my sister in law call me this week to etell me I am a good man. I lost my job because I went and saved a woman in distress. I thought about it over and over and wouldnt change a thing
When you said my drinking was not your deal...and you couldnt help ... I died that day
I only ever wanted a woman strong enough to fight for me like I would her
I am sorry things turned out like they did
You could own me if you wanted
You just didnt realize
And In front of Jesus....I miss you soo much, now my life will get really bad
Ummmm...ok....When I read this, I could see the self-pity, the blaming of others for his own choices, the addiction refusing to allow him to own his behavior, the denial, the woe is me. Yet, after seven years, I couldn't shake off any of that enough to ignore the e-mail. So I looked up one of his cousin's phone number on Facebook and left a message asking him to check on the man to be sure he was ok stating I really didn't want to create any more drama, but just wanted to be sure he was ok.
Then not a minute later, I get another text message stating "Guess things happen for a reason. I 'm in the hospital"
Well, that freaked me out. I called and he answered. Then he proceeds to tell me that I should have fought harder when he put his hands around my throat - kicked him off me.
OK -- silly me, of course I should have done that. What was I thinking????
I lost it and screamed at him. I told him that I am tired of his excuses, that he needs to own his behaviors, that drinking is causing his problems, and I am not going to take his calls anymore. He hung up on me. I am not proud of my tirade. It wasn't graceful or kind. It was me being frustrated. I allowed myself to fall for the drama yet again.
He told me this same thing (I should have fought him off when he was choking me) the day he called on our would have been anniversary. Enough is enough is enough. Tonight is the end of this insanity. His cousin texted me...I sent him Tim's number, told him he says he is in the hospital and we argued over the phone, and thanked him for checking on him.
Monday I will separate our CCC accounts and I will file my taxes separate married. Then I will get to saving my money and get this divorce finalized. I have had enough of the drama, am no longer interested in trying to rescue a grown man, and am truly enjoying my very undramatic life. If I want a little Chaos, I'll read Greek Mythology from now on!