Financial instability is a truly humbling test of my faith, and is it ever a test. I went into Walmart today to pick up cat food and a few odds and ends. The bill came to $56.00 (which is rather ridiculous in and of itself since I only had a few items), but my debit card and credit card were both declined. I was flummoxed to say the least; I scurried out of the store to my car much like a cockroach who has just been exposed by bright light.
Once in the car, the tears flowed and they wouldn't stop. Even as I write this, I feel the frustration I felt welling up inside of me when I realized I had no money to pay for these items; the embarassment I felt when I had to tell the cashier I wouldn't be able to buy these items that I had spent an hour carefully determining as necessities; the shock, fear, and confusion I felt as I realized my debit card didn't have enough money on it to cover this withdrawal. My ego was in shambles, the humiliation still burning on my cheeks as I started the engine.
Once the initial onslaught of waterworks subsided, I headed for home. When I reached home, I reviewed the accounts and found out that Judy Water had tapped into my debit account, and I was now at $1.19 until Dad's $100.00 check cashes (Thank you, Dad, for sending such a timely and generous gift; thank you, Jules, for sending me a check for $100.00 earlier this month). I have no choice but to humbly accept these generous gifts, and I hope I do so with grace. I will say, however, that the day I can loan/give money to others is going to be one of the most precious accomplishments in the future!
After feeling sorry for myself for 10 minutes or so as I stared at the near negative balance, I began to see how this is a time to put my money where my mouth is (well, my metaphorical money since I don't currently possess currency) when it comes to my my faith back. This was a time practice having faith when the circumstances were roses and rainbows. This was a time to be a true Christian with true faith, not fairweather faith. In the past fairweather Christians were such an easy reason for my to stay away from church and any type of organized religion. Their hypocracy made it hard for me to see their God as one who could take care of anything since they were always complaining when things weren't going their way.
No, this is a time to practice my faith just as strongly as when times are good. Jesus didn't give up his faith in God when he was being spit on, beaten, whipped, and crucified. Yes, he wavered momentarily but quickly gave it back to his Holy Father. Jesus's circumstances put my puny pecuniary problems into perspective. (Sorry, I have been teaching alliteration to my students this week)
Maybe, just maybe, this is a time where God is teaching me humility, or maybe he is allowing me to show my faith in the midst of a storm as a way to reach others or a way to use me to show how amazing He is. Whatever the reason for this experience at the age of 44, I can't begin to figure it out. What I do know for certain is the world will keep on keepin' on even though I didn't get $56.00 worth of unnecessary necessities at Walmart and even if my ego has been hipchecked hard, my life is going on just fine!
With all this said, I came home to a peaceful home that does indeed have food in the fridge, tunafish in the cupboard for the cats, dry cat food, electricity, gas, etc. All my needs are being met and much better than many others who have far less than I. Maybe this is a time for me to praise God, to thank him for all I do have, to praise him and trust that he has this whole thing worked out. Yes...I think that is the route I will take. My serenity always returns when I let go and let God! Yes, it is time to return this to you God. Thank you for always caring for me, for being their, for being my rock!
